


Flesh Out The Door

by awolfling (AtrophicGalaxy)



Series: Holding Onto You [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2018-10-16 02:41:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 41,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10562050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtrophicGalaxy/pseuds/awolfling
Summary: It happens like a cliche, slowly and then all at once. But no blithe sayings could prepare Josh for the downward spiral into exhaustion and pain. His body is giving up on him and each day comes with new aches he didn't even know were possible. And he's just so tired.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not following any sort of specific timeline here, no tour schedules etc because this is all fictional anyways.
> 
> In this Josh has fibromyalgia, a condition which I myself have. 
> 
> Yes I am shameless using a line from 'Holding on to You' as the title, because that song means a lot to me with regards living with a chronic illness

Josh is struggling to keep his energy up as he drums. Every hit jangles through his body and makes his head pound. He’s not missing a beat but instead of feeling exhilarated and unstoppable he’s counting down the seconds until the show is over. Josh is aware that Tyler is shooting him a few concerned looks but Josh ignores them. He can’t afford to worry about what Tyler is thinking right now, scared that he will fuck up the song if he does.

It’s the point in the show where Josh is supposed to do his backflip and for a moment he considers not doing it. The other side of the stage feels too far to walk, he has no idea if he could even land a backflip tonight. But the fear of letting people down, of letting people know that something isn’t right, spurs him on. Tyler is there on top of his piano and Josh is slower than normal getting to him. Josh can’t ignore Tyler now, this close all Josh can see is the worry in his eyes. Guilt bubbles up inside him and he wobbles as he spots the floor behind him, judging his landing. Tyler twitches beside him and Josh throws himself backwards before he can think further. His joints jar as he hits the floor; ankles, knees, hips, all screaming at him. But he sticks the landing. He straightens and glances up at Tyler. Their eyes lock and Josh feels caught. His chest tightens. The crowd is screaming and he should feel bolstered by them like he usually does. Instead he feels overwhelmed. Tyler can see it, Josh knows he can. 

Josh turns, tries to jog back to his drums in time for the next part and misses it by a couple of seconds. The rest of the concert passes in daze, Josh’s mind fixating on his screw up. Performing is normally freeing for him but he feels more and more inhibited as time passes. There is background pain throughout his whole body but more pressing is the pain in his head, vice-like and throbbing. The lights are bothering his eyes, too bright and too frenetic. He keeps his eyes closed as much as possible for the rest of the show. Each time he opens them feels like a punch to the side of the head. He’s nauseous too, having to swallow way too often to control the feeling. 

The end of the show comes as a relief and Josh pushes himself to walk to the front of the stage and take a bow with Tyler. Josh wraps his arm around Tyler’s shoulder and leans too heavily. Tyler’s arm around him is a lifeline, guiding him to bow and helping him back up. It takes the last of Josh’s strength to walk off stage and he doesn’t take his arm off Tyler’s shoulders. Josh is aware that he’s panting and his skin feels too tight. Tyler is talking to him but Josh can’t focus enough to make out the meaning of his words. He can hear the concern though, and others around them are asking questions and it’s too much. 

“Dressing room,” Josh grunts out, feebly pulling Tyler in the right direction.

Tyler complies and the walk is a blur to Josh but finally he’s in the relative quiet of his dressing room. The crowd are still screaming but the sound is muted. There’s someone at the door and Tyler says something to them but Josh ignores it all. He all but falls onto the couch and covers his eyes with his hands, blocking out the harsh overhead lights. He tries to focus on his breathing, consciously slow it down. It takes a few false starts before he can get a deep breath in and hold it, before letting it out in a steady whoosh. Josh feels like his whole body is buzzing. Uncomfortable and itchy and too tight. His brain is vibrating in his skull, the sensation of thought strains against the confines of his bones.

“Josh?” Tyler asks gently, placing a hand on Josh’s arm. Tyler’s hand feels abnormally hot to Josh’s sensitive skin.

“I’m ok,” Josh replies, needing to reassure Tyler. Beneath all the physical sensations, behind all the pain rocking Josh’s body, he feels a deep sense of shame and guilt. He let Tyler down. He let the fans down. Josh failed everyone.

“You need to tell me what’s wrong, dude,” Tyler urges him, his grip on Josh’s arm tightening. Josh suppresses a flinch. It’s not that Tyler is squeezing too hard, it’s that everything is an assault on Josh’s senses right now.

“I’m like, three seconds away from calling an ambulance,” Tyler says, his cracking voice betraying his fear. A fresh wave of sorrow washes over Josh.

“I just,” Josh starts, lowering his hands from his eyes and looking at Tyler, “My head is just so sore.”

Josh’s throat tightens and tears start to leak from his eyes against his will. He doesn’t want to cry, it’s only increasing the pressure in his head. But the dam has broken and he heaves out a choked sob. Josh turns on his side and curls into a ball and Tyler is there touching him, trying to soothe him. The throbbing in Josh’s head is only getting worse and a detached part of him wonders if he’s going to die or how much pain someone can endure before they just break. At what point does the mind just give up?

Then Tyler starts rubbing Josh’s back, his hand firm, steady, grounding. It’s enough to quell Josh’s sobs, though his eyes still stream. Tyler responds, pressing big circles into Josh’s back. A steady, satisfying rhythm. It relaxes the muscles between Josh’s shoulder blades and starts to release a tension Josh didn’t even know was there.

Josh reaches out to Tyler and holds onto the front of Tyler’s sweaty tank top, making a fist. Josh can’t speak yet and Tyler thankfully doesn’t ask him too. Tyler just keeps up those firm circles and Josh is starting to feel like he can breath again. Tyler must feel Josh relax because he squeezes Josh’s neck reassuringly. Almost instantly the pain in Josh’s head shrinks, as if someone turned the volumes down suddenly.

“Don’t stop,” Josh groans and Tyler listens to him, readjusting his grip.

It feels like the pain is draining from Josh’s head to the spots where Tyler’s fingers press into the sides of his neck. The spots hurts, but it’s a good hurt, a hollow hurt. The headache isn’t gone completely, not by a long shot, but it’s at a more manageable level. It’s making Josh’s head clearer and his body limp.

“Thank you,” Josh breathes.

“You’re welcome,” Tyler says quietly, slowly releasing his hold on Josh’s neck. The pain starts to return but not as bad. Josh feels like he might be able to exist again, even with as much pain as he’s still in.

“I’m so sorry,” Josh says and he holds back more tears. He relinquishes his grasp on Tyler’s shirt, his fingers aching. He has to stretch them out a few times, his knuckles feeling sticky.

“Don’t be,” Tyler tries to reassure him, but it does nothing to dent Josh’s self-blame. Josh can’t imagine anything would make him feel less awful right now.

“Are you ok now? Do you need a doctor?” Tyler asks and Josh can hear in his voice how much Josh scared him.

“I’ll be fine, just like, need some painkillers and sleep,” Josh says, and he’s not lying. He can think more clearly now that the edge of his pain is blunted. A headache, as horrendous as it was, is still just a headache. 

“I’ll see if I can find some painkillers,” Tyler says, sounding calmer now that he has something to do.

Josh can see that Tyler is reluctant to leave and gives Tyler a weak smile. It’s enough for Tyler to go. At some point the crowd outside stopped making a noise and Josh can hear the sound of the crew working, packing up. Despite the quiet he can still hear roaring in his ears. Shows normally leave him elated, jazzed, but now all he feels is a bone deep weariness. His heart beats heavily in his chest, leaving cracks in his corners. Josh wipes at his face with the bottom of his shirt, soaking up sweat and tears alike. He ends up wiping his nose too, the shirt is already gross and he’s too tired look for a tissue.

Tyler returns with a pack of painkillers which he hands Josh triumphantly, “There you go!”

Josh takes them gratefully, reading the dosage on the side of the pack. He pops two out of the blister pack.

“Redbull?” Tyler offers, having made his way to the table in the corner of the room. The thought of drinking redbull now makes Josh feel queasy.

“Just water, thanks,” Josh replies, feeling bad that Tyler is doing all this stuff for him.

“‘K,” Tyler makes an aborted move to throw the bottle at Josh, then thinks better of it and walks it over.

“Thanks, man,” Josh says again, once he’s swallowed the pills. It’s not enough to express his gratitude but Josh doesn’t have any more words to say. His mind struggles. He suppresses the urge to apologise again. The apology sits like a stone in his stomach.

“You wanna shower before we get back on the bus?” Tyler asks, opening a can of redbull for himself and taking a long swig.

“Yeah sure,” Josh says, knowing that being clean will do him good but wondering whether he’ll have the energy. Josh gets up anyways and his legs feel a little jelly-like but otherwise he’s in better shape than when they came off stage. He collects his bag with his clothes in and leaves the room with a nod to Tyler. Josh trudges down the corridor, grateful that the venue has on-site showers. It’s not a long way from his dressing room but the walk to the bathroom seems to take an age. 

The hot water of the shower helps ease Josh’s muscles and releases tension in his neck and shoulders. He begins to feel more human but it’s not long before exhaustion catches up with him. It’s like someone tied lead weights to his limbs as he gets dressed. It takes several tries for him to get his legs into his pants because he keeps missing. Josh can’t think of a time when he felt more pathetic.

Tyler is still in Josh’s dressing room when Josh gets back. Tyler has his fingernails in his mouth and he’s jumping his knee. Josh had thought he’d reached his limit for experiencing guilt today, but apparently not. It rushes over him hotly and jumps his heart. He never wants to be a source of unhappiness for Tyler.

Tyler gives Josh a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes but he’s standing and hugging Josh before Josh can say anything. Despite the fact that Tyler is still sweaty, Josh returns the hug fully, leaning into Tyler and soaking up his affection. The still-fresh sweat smell that clings to Tyler is deep and comforting. It makes Josh’s heart jump for a different reason. The hug ends too soon.

“Go ahead to the bus,” Tyler says, “I’ll catch you up.”

Josh nods and does just that. Sleep is calling to him and it takes the very last bit of willpower he has to make it to the bus. On any other night they’d be up for hours, riding the adrenaline high of performing. Josh can’t even imagine it now. He’s too tired to climb into a top bunk, so Josh crawls into Tyler’s bunk instead. He can smell the familiar Tyler smell on the pillow. The painkillers are kicking in and his thoughts feel a little fuzzy. Sleep comes strangely, he starts dreaming immediately but remains aware that he’s dreaming. It’s half awake thoughts and images of the concert, but skewed, off, non-reality. The crowd disappears but his awake brain questions, “How come I can still hear them?”. He can’t make the backflip and ends up sprawling on the stage. His mind asks, “Is this why I’m in so much pain?”. 

Josh does not rest well.


	2. Chapter 2

Josh can’t pinpoint when it started. Being on tour was tough. Sleeping at odd hours and never enough. Cooped up in a van for days causing achy joints. They worked hard and almost constantly and it was all so worth it. But Josh’s body took a beating. When they upgraded to a bus Josh expected longer and better sleep, but he found himself more tired. He expected with enough room to walk, to stretch out he’d be less sore, not the opposite. He started getting headaches and brushed them off, coped. He kept feeling like he was getting sick, a cold or flu creeping up on him, but it never materialised and he attributed that to a strong immune system and thought no more about it.

Then they had two weeks off and Josh got so sick he could barely get out of bed. His body hurt everywhere, his head felt swollen, stuffy. His arms and legs were weak. His throat scratched. He was so, so cold. He waited to feel better, miserable and lonely. Better just didn’t come and the day before they went back on tour he pulled himself out of bed and packed and wondered how the hell he was going to play. Just getting ready had left him wrung out.

The thrill of being back on the road, of walking into the venue, of hearing the crowd, it helped. He felt renewed, healed. But once that wore off a few hours after the show he crashed hard. And it had been the same every night since, the high of performing and then an almighty fall.

Josh lies in Tyler’s bunk and sees the past stretch out before him. He realises that it’s been months and he hasn’t felt well once. He’s more tired than he’s ever been and his body hurts all over, all the time. It scares Josh when he can’t remember that last time he actually felt good.

It’s early, too early for Josh to be awake really, but he’s been sleeping less and less lately. It seems it doesn’t matter when he goes to bed, he’s always up with the sun. Josh rolls out of the bunk and finds Tyler on the couch in the entertainment area. Tyler looks about as exhausted as Josh feels, his face grey and dark circles under his eyes. Tyler is staring into space. Josh doesn’t have to ask to know that Tyler hasn’t slept. Tyler goes through bouts of insomnia but he’s been better lately. Josh can’t help but think that he is the cause of Tyler’s sleeplessness this time.

“Hey,” Josh says, voice croaky from sleep. 

Tyler startles, his reverie broken. 

“Sorry,” Josh whispers.

“No, it’s fine,” Tyler says, wiping his hand over his face, “How did you sleep?”

“Well,” Josh lies, not wanting to add to Tyler’s burden. He plonks himself down on the couch next to Tyler, “Sorry I took your bed.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Tyler says, shaking his head. 

Josh puts his arm around Tyler and gives him a side hug, but Tyler remains stiff beside him. Josh pulls back, not offended that Tyler is having an off day but sad. It’s Josh’s fault.

“Movie?” Josh asks, feigning cheerfulness. Tyler nods and Josh goes ahead and picks something, aware that Tyler won’t want to choose. About ten minutes in Tyler shifts, lying down and resting his head in Josh’s lap. Josh doesn’t touch him, as much as he wants to place a hand on Tyler’s shoulder, comfort his friend. A few minutes later and Tyler is asleep, his breathing deep and calm. Josh is starting to get uncomfortable sitting still in the same position but he doesn’t dare move. Tyler needs his sleep and Josh will be damned if he interrupts it. 

+

When Tyler wakes up he’s in a more chirpy mood. Josh tries to match it, desperate for a little normality. They have a couple of interviews scheduled for that afternoon before the next show and Josh has to down a redbull in order to get through it. The first is with a sweet woman about their age who mostly asks them easy, no thought required questions. Tyler answers them readily and Josh finds himself zoning out while Tyler talks. Josh’s jaw is aching and he resists the urge to bring his fingers to his cheeks to massage the aching muscles there. The pain is making him unsettled. Josh fiddles with the holes in his jeans, wishing he could chew gum to release some of the agitation but radiating pain from his jaw puts a stop to that. Josh is aware that a conversation is happening in front of him, can hear Tyler’s familiar voice, but his brain isn’t processing the words. There’s pressure behind his forehead, the beginnings of another headache.

“Yeah, I’d definitely say that Josh is my favourite place to nap,” Tyler says in answer to a question that Josh didn’t hear. The mention of his name breaks through Josh’s malaise.

Josh snaps his eyes to Tyler who is grinning naughtily at him. They’ve been playing this game for years, pushing the boundaries, toeing the line of where friendship ends and something else begins. Their closeness happened naturally but it gives them both a thrill to expose it to the world, to remind themselves of how unusual their relationship is.

“Aw, thanks man,” Josh replies, unable to contain his grin. Smiling brings a wave of fresh agony to his cheeks and Josh tries to stop himself from grimacing.

“What’s your favourite place to nap, Josh?” Tyler says leadingly, bumping Josh with his elbow.

“Um,” Josh says, his mind struggling to find words with so much attention focused on the ache in his jaw, “I uh…”

Josh feels a moment of panic as his brain flatlines. He can’t remember what Tyler even asked him.

“You can say me, it’s alright,” Tyler prompts him.

“Uh yeah, Tyler Joseph,” Josh says, and he remembers the question now, “We’re nap buddies. Two sleepy boys.”

Tyler giggles at that and Josh gives him a small smile. 

The interviewer asks more questions and Josh forces himself to focus, clawing through the fog in his brain. He answers a few of the questions unprompted even, but it takes a lot out of him. It’s only a few minutes but by the time the interviewer leave Josh feels like he needs to sleep for years. Josh’s eyes burn with the effort of being kept open.

“Hey, you alright?” Tyler asks him, fingers reaching out and touching Josh lightly on the arm.

“Yeah,” Josh scrubs his face trying to wake himself up, “Just need another redbull or a coffee or something.”

“I feel you, man,” Tyler says, and it reminds Josh that Tyler got even less sleep than him. Josh silently promises that he’ll try harder in the next interview. It’s not fair to leave all the work to Tyler when Josh knows he’s battling too.

It’s hard, but Josh keeps his mind focused during the interview, tries to share the load. Tyler keeps his energy up, even though the guy is asking the same basic questions that they get in almost every interview. The rote answers make things easier on Josh but he’s more than relieved when the interview wraps up and they are left in peace.

All Josh wants to do is go back to bed but they have a sound check to do first. Josh soldiers through it. Tyler is getting his pre-show high, excitement and enthusiasm overriding sleep deprivation. Josh tries to pretend that he’s the same, smiles and laughs in all the right places. It’s not faked, Tyler’s mood genuinely is rubbing off on Josh, but it is exaggerated. The entire time there is a background hum of exhaustion, pain, depletion, that pulls at Josh every second. He consumes enough caffeine to feel jittery.

“You gonna be ok for tonight?” Tyler asks him backstage. It’s the first time Tyler has acknowledged what happened the night before. 

“Yeah,” Josh feigns calm. He’s nervous. He hates what happened, hates that Tyler is worried.

“Cool,” Tyler nods, and seems convinced.

Josh grits his teeth. He has to be ok, he doesn’t have a choice.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not actually sure of their typical set list or where the stunts fall in the shows (besides what I've seen watching the Reading footage and the BBC radio 1 Big Weekend footage) so please allow for creative license! 
> 
> Also thanks so much to everyone who is reading, giving kudos and commenting, it means a lot to me!

The wait backstage is torturous for Josh. He can hear the crowd calling for them as the opening band leave the stage. Normally it’s a thrilling mix of excitement and nerves before they go on, but today Josh just feels sick. It’s not just anxiety, which he has been keeping at bay all day. It’s the pain that hasn’t left his body in days, just steadily grown worse. It’s the way his thoughts are scattered and too loud in his pounding head. It’s the hollow in his chest where his heart feels like it’s sucking blood instead of pumping it. They have a week off between this show and the next. Josh can rest for a week. He just has to make it through the night. He can do that.

“Gonna be a good show tonight,” Tyler says earnestly. He’s got his game face on; a little serious, a little glint in his eyes that betrays his excitement. Tyler sometimes seems stand-offish to people before a show, but Josh knows he’s just focussing, gathering and compressing all of his energy and passion. Only to explode like a supernova on stage.

“Yeah,” Josh says, hoping it doesn’t sound forced, “The crowd are loud.”

It’s a dumb thing to say but Josh can’t think of anything better. Tyler just flashes Josh a grin, grabs Josh’s shoulder and gives it an enthusiastic shake. Briefly, Josh feels weak, weaker, just wants to collapse into Tyler and let Tyler hold him up. He blinks and Tyler lets go, none the wiser. Josh is left feeling empty and sad and lonely and he’s not even sure why. He takes a deep breath and swallows down the emotion. Then they’re being herded to the stage and Josh doesn’t have time to think. The crowd is deafening and Josh seats himself at his drums in a daze. Muscle memory takes over and he starts the first song. Tyler’s energy is as infectious as it usually is. Swept up in the adrenaline, Josh forgets everything but the music. For a while.

The time comes for Josh to head out into the crowd. There’s a moment where Josh wonders why Tyler stopped singing before he realises that’s his cue. The platform is already in place when Josh gets to the barrier. His ears are battered with the sound of girls screaming. Now that he’s not drumming, Josh feels like his whole body is juddering. He looks down at his hands and they are shaking slightly. Pain pounces on him, ripping him apart now that he’s stopped long enough to let it back in. It was waiting for him, held back, and now Josh is paying the price for the time he spent not feeling it.

Josh starts to climb up and one of the crew wraps his hands around Josh’s hips and hoists him up to the platform before Josh can process that it’s a bad idea. It’s hard to get his footing even while he’s held steady by the crew. Hands from the crowd are grabbing at him like they always do. The spotlight on him is so bright that he can barely see. His palms are so slick with sweat that the drumsticks slip and slide. He can hear the piano while Tyler waits to finish the song. This is supposed to be one of the best parts of the show, one of the things that everyone mentions about when they they talk about seeing Twenty One Pilots live. 

Josh stands up straight and the hands of the crew that were keeping him in place leave. He’s supposed to hit his sticks together and start drumming but his stomach is doing somersaults and he’s dizzy. He’s about to sit down on the relative safety of his chair when the platform lurches. Josh can’t keep his balance. He goes tumbling sideways into the audience. They can’t catch him and several people go down with him. There are screams of an altogether different kind, shouts of pain and Josh adds to that when his shoulder collides with the hard floor. Josh’s breath is knocked out of him and the hush that descends on the audience seems to mimic that.

“Josh!” Tyler yells over the microphone.

Strong hands grab Josh and pull him out of the crowd as the crew members wade in. Josh feels like a ragdoll as he’s set down on the non-crowd side of the barrier. His legs wobble but hold and he’s not sure if it’s the fall or his feeble body that turned his knees to jelly. The girls he’d fallen on are being helped up too and everyone looks shocked but there don’t seem to be any serious injuries.

“Is everybody ok?” Tyler asks, and he’s at the front of the stage now, just above Josh.

Josh pulls a thumbs up, holds his hand up high so that the crowd can see it. He hasn’t had time to take stock of what happened, but he’s aware that he needs to do something to calm everyone’s nerves.

“Josh is ok,” Tyler informs the crowd and they erupt into cheers.

“Is everybody else ok down there?” Tyler asks, and there’s more cheering.

Josh pushes himself to go to the front of the barrier where the girls he’d knocked over are standing.

“I’m so sorry!” Josh shouts over the noise of the crowd.

They’re all smiling and Josh thinks they’re saying things like “It’s ok” but he can’t really make them the out. Josh reaches out to them, holding each of their hands for a few seconds, probably ends up holding more hands than people he fell on. 

Josh needs help getting back up on stage because his arms won’t hold himself up. It’s humiliating and Josh wishes he could wake up from this nightmare. The crowd has started a chant of “Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh” and Tyler is joining in. Josh wants to go back to the security of his drums but feels compelled to do something. He stands next to Tyler, who stops his chanting and extends the mic to Josh. 

“Uh, sorry about that, I hope I didn’t hurt anyone,” Josh says awkwardly, scratching at the side of his head. There are a few laughs and whoops from the audience. Josh has no idea what to say next but thankfully Tyler is already pulling the mic back.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Tyler shouts, “Give it up for my best friend, Josh Dun!”

More shouting and screaming and Josh wonders if he’s going to vomit. He turns to go back to his drums and Tyler goes with him, leaving the microphone on the stand. Tyler wraps his arm around Josh.

“You going to be ok to go on?” Josh has to shout to be heard over the crowd.

“Yeah,” Josh nods. There’s no way he would be ok with ending the show now, not after what just happened. Not after last night’s debacle. 

Tyler thumps Josh on the chest twice with his palm and runs back to the front of the stage. Josh sits at his drums and has to take a deep breath to calm himself. He tells himself to stop thinking, stop feeling, just drum.

“You all ready to carry on? Tyler asks the audience. Josh didn’t think they could get any louder, but the screams nearly blow his eardrums.

“SO- I’M- TAKING- MY- TIIIIIIIIME,” Tyler screams, picking up _Ride_ where they left off, and Josh drums as hard as he can.

The rest of the set passes with difficulty for Josh. His shoulder that he hurt is stiffening and he keeps having to push the memory and embarrassment of falling out of his mind. He doesn’t do his backflip, just stays sitting. He feels like a coward.

When Tyler goes out into the crowd he jokes about falling on them, and how they better hold him up properly, “I’m trusting you!” Tyler laughs and Josh’s cheeks burn. Uncharacteristically, Josh just wants to show to be over. He’s emotionally and physically spent.

The end comes and Josh can’t hide that he’s struggling. He can’t lift his arm to put it around Tyler, leaves it by his side as they bow. The second they’re off stage Tyler pulls him into a tight hug.

“That’s the second night in a row you’ve scared the shit out of me,” Tyler whispers fiercely.

“I know,” Josh says, “I’m sorry.”

Tyler just hugs him tighter and Josh wishes that Tyler would tell him that it’s ok, that he didn’t ruin anything. Josh wishes he would believe it if Tyler said it. Tyler doesn’t say anything.


	4. Chapter 4

When Josh wakes the next morning all he wants to do is groan. It doesn’t seem possible that he feels worse than the night before, the day before, the week before, but he does. His shoulder is of particular concern. He gets up and the bus is quiet, everyone still asleep. He checks with the driver where they are and finds out that they’re an hour from the next city. They’ll be staying in a hotel for the next week and Josh can’t wait to sleep in a real bed. The bunks in the bus are a far cry from the times they slept in the van, but they aren’t super either.

In the bathroom Josh gets a look at himself in the mirror and is shocked. His shoulder is black and blue, the bruise seeping down his arm and creeping along his collarbone. It’s swollen around the joint and difficult for him to move. He gently prods it with his finger and hisses. The next thing that strikes Josh is his face, he looks grey, haggard. Dark smudges under his eyes mirror the colours of his shoulder. Josh has to look away. He looks so sick.

Leaving the bathroom Josh checks the time and decides it’s not too early to call his mom. He knows that news of the fall will get back to her and he wants to reassure her that he’s fine before she can worry. Josh isn’t sure if he’s fine.

The conversation isn’t very long. Josh downplays the incident, doesn’t mention his shoulder. His mom seems to believe him. She catches him up on her life briefly, let’s him know how his dad and siblings are (they’re all fine.) It’s all so normal that Josh finds his eyes stinging as he says goodbye. He’s grateful that his voice doesn’t crack. Longing claws at Josh’s chest, hacks at his ribs from the inside. Josh is missing so much of himself, his world before pain. It’s a fading dream, those days where he had near boundless energy, when performing left him feeling better, not worse. When was the last time he had fun? Josh honestly can’t remember. He’s felt so isolated lately, unable to interact with people on the same level as he normally would. Every conversation has felt disconnected and he knows he’s been getting more and more quiet. Everything has been tainted with a haze of hurt, exhaustion.

The sound of footsteps halt Josh’s thoughts and he looks up to find Tyler blinking sleepily at him from the door. It’s a sight Josh has seen almost every day for years, Tyler just woken up, shirtless and still groggy, looking warm and soft and inviting. It’s a sight that has left Josh with butterflies in his stomach on too many occasions, even after all this time. A sight that makes him berate himself for ogling his best friend. But today Josh just feels a vague sense of jealousy because Tyler looks rested and his skin has a healthy glow. The image of Josh’s ragged appearance flashes in his mind.

“Hey,” Tyler drawls in his just-woken-up voice. Tyler’s eyes settle on Josh and go wide, “Holy crap your shoulder!”

Josh wishes he had put on something with sleeves and instinctively tries to wrap his arms around his body. His shoulder twinges and stops him.

“Dude, this is bad,” Tyler continues, coming to sit next to Josh.

“I know,” Josh says, feeling that all too familiar guilt welling up again. He’d been trying to avoid thinking about the implications of his hurt shoulder. He didn’t even want to tell himself that he’d be recovered before the next show in case he jinxed it.

“How bad does it hurt?” Tyler asks, his hand hovering between them like he wants to touch but doesn’t dare.

“It’s ok,” Josh says, but Tyler gives him a look that says he’s not buying it one bit. Josh sighs. “I mean, it’s pretty bad, but only when I move it or poke it.”

“When we get to the hotel you should see a doctor,” Tyler’s tone brooks no argument and Josh just nods.

+

The hotel has an on-call doctor and Josh waits anxiously in his room for the doctor to arrive. He’d love to lie on the bed and rest his body but his nerves keep him up. He looks around the room but it’s like every other hotel room he’s been in; tv, mini-bar, bed, couch, unoffensive boring artwork and bathroom. Josh sits on the couch and pulls out his phone to check Twitter. It turns out to be a mistake because he’s got hundreds of tweets from fans concerned about him. They range from ‘hope you’re ok’s to hysterical proclamations that Josh was seriously injured and might miss the next show. It gauls Josh that the latter probably aren’t too far from the truth. There are videos of the incident from many angles but Josh can’t bring himself to watch them.

What makes Josh go cold are the tweets from the fans who he crashed into. There are multiple photographs of different injuries ranging from minor scratches to horrifying bruises. One girl even had to get stitches in her eyebrow and posted a picture of blood running down her face. He hadn’t even noticed anyone bleeding the night before. The fans aren’t upset, in fact they all see their injuries as a badge of honour. One girl even writes, “That feeling when your bruised ribs remind you that you had Josh’s eNTIRE BODY ON YOU!” There are a plethora of comments along the lines of “omg i wish josh would fall on me”. The only thing Josh can focus on though, is the fact that he hurt those girls, his fans. A lot of them are still teenagers, kids. Dismay doesn’t even begin to cover how he feels and he wants to message all of them, apologise and find a way to make it up to them but a knock on the door interrupts him.

He opens the door to find a middle-aged man with an old-fashioned doctor’s bag.

“Hi, I’m Doctor Evans,” the man introduces himself.

“Hi, thanks for coming, I’m Josh,” Josh says, stepping aside and gesturing for the doctor to come in.

Josh briefly tells the doctor what happened, gets the obligatory question of “oh what band are you in” and the expected blank stare of a middle-aged man who has no idea who Twenty One Pilots are. Josh has to take off his shirt to be examined. It turns out more difficult than expected and he has to do it one-handed. The doctor examines him, asks him about range of motion, feeling in his finger tips, and moves Josh’s arm around in a way that makes him have to clench his teeth.

“There are no signs of a break, just badly bruised,” Doctor Evans declares much to Josh’s relief. “You need to ice it for the next twenty four hours to reduce swelling and you should find movement easier after that. Twenty minutes with the ice on, twenty minutes off. I’m going to give you some muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories to help with the pain.”

“I’ve got a show in a week, will I be able to play?” Josh asks, then adds, “I play the drums.”

“As long as it’s not causing you too much pain I don’t see why not, although I’d avoid too much movement until then to give the joint some time to rest,” Doctor Evans replies.

Josh heaves a sigh of relief, “That’s great, thanks.”

The doctor nods and turns to his bag and fishes out two vials of pills.

“Uh, actually there’s one more thing,” Josh says, quickly seizing his courage, “I’ve, uh, been really tired lately and my body just aches all the time and I’ve been getting really bad headaches...”

“Hmm,” the doctor says, taking a moment to think, “Sounds to me like too much rockstar lifestyle,” he gives a knowing laugh, “Maybe cut down on the partying, son.”

Josh frowns but doesn’t say anything further. Having actually voiced his concerns only to have them disregarded leaves a pit in Josh’s stomach. Part of him is angry at having been misread; they don’t party like other bands, don’t get drunk or do drugs or get into trouble. The other part of Josh wonders if the disregard is warranted. Being tired, being sore, that’s something everyone complains about. Who is Josh to think that his pain and exhaustion is somehow special?

“Oh and some arnica oil will help with the bruising, but only start that after you’ve finished icing,” Doctor Evans adds.

Josh shows the doctor out, feeling torn between the relief that he’s not more hurt and the disquiet of being brushed aside. Tyler is waiting in the corridor outside the door with a furrowed brow. He comes into Josh’s room without asking. Josh considers putting his shirt back on but it seems like too much effort.

“So?” Tyler asks.

“Just badly bruised, I’ll be able to play the next show,” Josh says, happy to be able to give Tyler the good news. The knot of anxiety that had been sitting with him begins to unwind.

“That’s great!” Tyler pulls Josh into a quick hug.

Josh explains what the doctor said and Tyler insists on getting the ice for Josh and ordering room service before Josh is allowed to take the painkillers. Josh thinks it makes him feel a little too good to have Tyler looking after him, even as he feels bad that Tyler has to do it in the first place. Holding the bag of ice to his shoulder is awkward and Josh is glad when the food arrives. It’s one of the healthier meals they’ve had in awhile and it tastes good but halfway through Josh suddenly loses his appetite. He pushes his food away.

“You done?” Tyler asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Josh replies. 

“You’ve been eating less lately,” Tyler remarks and Josh realises he’s right. For weeks he’s been nauseous at worst and disinterested at best when he eats. Between meals he’s ravenous sometimes, but before he’s full he ends up not wanting to take another bite.

“I dunno, just haven’t been that hungry,” is the only explanation Josh can give.

Tyler makes a noise of discontent but doesn’t pursue the topic. Josh takes his pills and puts the ice back on his shoulder. The cold helps reduce some of the discomfort but it’s hard to keep it in place.

“Come here,” Tyler says, “You lie down and I’ll hold the ice for you.”

Josh does as instructed and ends up on the couch with Tyler, his head in Tyler’s lap. Being able to relax while Tyler holds the ice makes things much easier. They watch tv together and eventually the painkillers start to kick in. The ice is off his shoulder for the moment and Tyler is warm and solid beside him.

“Have you checked Twitter?” Josh asks Tyler suddenly.

“Yeah, those girls all seem really happy that you fell on them,” Tyler laughs.

“I feel terrible about it,” Josh whines, turning his head into Tyler’s leg to hide his face, “Should tweet them.”

“Hey, it’s not like anyone was seriously injured,” Tyler pats Josh’s head, then adds more gently, “I do get it though.”

“Feel like an idiot, got so dizzy, sore,” Josh mumbles into Tyler’s leg.

“You didn’t tell me that last night,” Tyler says. He’s stroking Josh’s hair now and this is the best Josh has felt in so, so long. The room is quiet besides the tv, different from the constant rumble of the bus. He’s warm and cozy thanks to Tyler. The painkillers aren’t just helping his shoulder, but his entire body feels a little bit better. Tyler’s hand in his hair is so soothing. Josh finds himself drifting off to sleep.

“Jish, you awake?” Tyler asks quietly, but Josh is too sleepy to reply.

“Jishwa?” Tyler says and waits a few seconds, then whispers, “I’ve really missed you.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realised that I should probably clarify that Tyler and Jenna aren't together in this story. It is a Joshler slow burn and I didn't want to break Tyler and Jenna up or have cheating or anything like that.

Josh wakes with a start and a yelp at the sudden cold on his shoulder.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you but it’s been an hour and I was worried about the swelling,” Tyler says, trying not to laugh.

“Ugh,” Josh moans, then manages to gather his thoughts, “Don’t lie, you just got bored.”

“Well that too,” Tyler says and Josh can hear the grin in his voice without having to look.

Josh sits up, taking the bag of ice from Tyler. His body is a little stiff from sleep but overall he finds that despite his injury he actually feels better than he has for a while. He doesn’t feel great but some of the burden is lifted.

“While you were sleeping I tweeted that you’re alright, just to calm people down,” Tyler tells him.

“Cool, thanks,” Josh says, opening up Twitter to check. He groans when he sees what Tyler wrote.

_Josh is ok, folks, currently sleeping with his head in my lap. Very cute._

“You don’t help when you say stuff like that,” Josh shakes his head.

“You love it,” Tyler laughs. 

Truth is, Josh kind of does. He loves Tyler’s attention, he loves their weirdly close friendship, even when he secretly wishes it could be more. He even loves it when Tyler tells the world, because somehow that makes it all seem more real. It still shocks Josh when Tyler isn’t embarrassed by how close they are. There are times when Josh still feels shy about it.

“Wait,” Josh says, narrowing his eyes, “You didn’t take any pictures, did you?”

“I didn’t post them,” Tyler admits, “But you should take a look, I wasn’t kidding when I said you looked cute. We _should_ post a picture of you though, just to prove I’m not lying.”

Tyler hands Josh his phone and there are about five pictures from different angles. Josh would never call himself cute, but it’s the most relaxed he’s seen his face in a long time. A couple have Tyler’s face in too, though he seems unaware, his attention on Josh. There’s a softness to Tyler’s eyes in the picture that Josh rarely sees. Tyler unguarded. Josh quickly sends the picture to himself and hands the phone back to Tyler.

“Well you’re not posting these,” Josh says, otherwise agreeing with Tyler.

“Why not?” Tyler asks, wiggling his phone at Josh as if to prove his point.

 _Because it’s too exposing_ Josh doesn’t say _Because it’s too much what I want._

“Just let me get a shirt on,” Josh says, avoiding the question.

“Aw, come on,” Tyler says, pointing the phone at Josh.

Josh swipes at it but Tyler pulls back and shows him the photo he managed to take. It’s mostly blurry, Josh’s hand in the foreground. He can just make out the bruising of his shoulder in the background, mostly just a blue-black blob.

“I’m posting this one,” Tyler says, and Josh doesn’t have an objection, there’s barely anything to see on it. 

Josh puts on a t-shirt, not wanting to display his bruise too prominently. It’s easier to move his shoulder now and Josh isn’t sure if it’s the pills or the ice but either way he’s happier. He wouldn’t want to play a set just now, but at least lifting his arm up is doable.

Josh poses, with a peace sign and a smile, and Tyler takes the photo.

“You’re so photogenic,” Tyler tells him, half joking, half serious. Josh can feel his cheeks heating and he hopes Tyler doesn’t notice.

Tyler sends him the photo and Josh posts it with the caption, “ _Tyler thought you guys might think he was lying. Silly. I’m fine and dandy_ ”.

The rest of the day is spent lounging around. Josh can tell that Tyler gets bored but when suggests Tyler go out without him Tyler refuses. For Josh it’s one of the most relaxing days, not having to worry about playing a show and whether he’ll be able to make it through. He doesn’t have to engage with people; crew, interviewers, venue staff. He doesn’t have to pretend he’s fine. He can just be. And Tyler keeps him company, fussing over him a little about the ice and taking his painkillers, which is all Josh can really ask for and then some.

Josh falls asleep quickly and easily that night, the bed is comfortable and the tucked in hotel sheets makes him feel calm, secure. But he wakes up about three hours after he fell asleep like someone switched a light on in his brain. His mind immediately starts to race, pinballing from one topic to the next. He thinks about his family and there’s a song stuck in his head that he heard somewhere but can’t remember where, doesn’t know what song and he wonders if orange hair would suit him and he thinks about the fact that cows have best friends. He tosses and turns, trying to force himself back to sleep. Eventually his mind fixates on one topic- how terrible he’s been feeling lately and if there’s something wrong with him. 

It can’t be normal, how fatigued he’s been. But all people seem to be saying these days is how tired they are and maybe Josh is just being dramatic. The aching body, the weighed down limbs, some days Josh feels like just having clothes touch his skin is painful. Everyone has ache and pains now and then, Josh wonders if he’s just bad at coping with it. The headache he had though, that’s objectively extreme. Right?

Josh grabs his phone and squints as the light hurts his eyes. He turns the brightness down to the lowest setting and googles “headaches”. He reads a couple of articles, some more useful than others. There are a lot more types of headaches than he even knew and he stays away from anything suggesting a brain tumor because he is not going down the rabbit hole of convincing himself that he’s dying.

Josh remembers that his cousin used to suffer from migraines as a teenager. She’d be off school for days when it happened, she’d throw up uncontrollably, be unable to get out of bed. It was almost all Josh ever heard about her, his cousin with the bad migraines. Such a big deal was made about it, and rightly so. Josh had never even considered that it might be what he experienced because of those stories. But now he’s actually reading up on them, getting a breakdown of the symptoms beyond just knowing that it’s a bad headache. The description of where the pain is, the way it throbs, the sensitivity to light and sound, the lightheadedness. The more Josh reads the more he realises it applies to him. He’d always ignored the dark spots that flash in his vision before a particularly bad headache, now he knows what they mean. Even the details about the day or two running up to a migraine, of mood changes, cravings, increased urination, changes in appetite, it’s all starting to make sense. Josh reads about postdromes, the after affects of migraines, and how it can be difficult to concentrate, exhaustion, how it causes feelings of depression. All of it fits. 

Josh had never even considered that it might be a migraine because of the extreme stories he’d heard about his cousin, but now he knows that’s exactly what it is. And it turns out he’s been having migraines for a long time and just brushing it off, telling himself to buck up. It’s reassuring to know that he’s not been melodramatic, he actually has been experiencing something out of the ordinary. It doesn’t explain everything he’s been going through, but it’s a start. A real, tangible thing for him to hold onto. He’s not crazy, he’s not weak. Something is actually wrong with him. It shouldn’t feel so good to know that. It’s not that he’s happy to be having migraines but it’s better than the alternative explanation that there’s something wrong with his mind, that he just can’t cope with normal things.

Josh switches over to Twitter, needing a break from his revelation. There are a lot of tweets about the pictures he and Tyler posted earlier. A few people pointed out that you can see the edge of his bruise peaking out from his sleeve and a very eagle eyed person connected it to the blurry photo that Tyler posted where his bruise is just a background colour. Sometimes Josh thinks their fans are just too smart. The overall consensus from the fans seems to be that Josh is fine and Josh is glad that the panic has died down. 

Josh scrolls back to find the tweets from the girls he fell on the night before. He tweets to all of them how sorry he is for hurting them and then DMs them promising them some signed merch as an apology. He feels a little less guilty after that.

Josh finally brings himself to watch one of the videos of the fall. Late night morbid curiosity is too hard to resist. The video starts with him climbing onto the platform and he is startled to see how pale was. He can see how glassy his eyes looked even through the shaky video. The movement of the platform that made him lose his balance looks tiny from this angle. It had felt like an earthquake to him. Josh winces as he watches the way he crashes into the crowd. The tinny screams come through too loud on his phone’s speaker. He can just make out his own shout as he hits the ground. He rewinds because he can also hear… Tyler. Tyler’s cry of distress when Josh went down. He hadn’t heard it at the time. Josh’s stomach drops like he’s gone over a speed bump too fast.. Then comes Tyler shouting “Josh!”. Josh closes the video. He has never heard Tyler sound so scared. 

Josh opens the picture Tyler took of him earlier while Josh was sleeping. He looks at Tyler’s soft expression, at his own relaxed face. He understands it better now. Then Josh remembers a whisper right before he fell asleep. He had thought that he dreamed it, but now he wonders.

Josh’s arm aches from holding up his phone for so long. He puts the phone back on the table and turns over, trying to get comfortable. He’s so tired now. _“I’ve really missed you”_ echoes around his head. Had Tyler sounded sad? Josh never wants to makes Tyler sad. Familiar longing pulls at Josh’s heart. He wraps Tyler’s words around him like a shroud.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally starting to earn that Mature rating, if only a little ;)

Josh’s bruise looks worse the next day but the swelling is better and he’s in less pain. He feels even better after he takes the muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories. Tyler joins Josh for breakfast and when they’re done he pulls out a bottle of arnica oil from his backpack.

“The doctor said this would help, right?” Tyler says, “Let me help you put it on.”

Tyler’s hands are warm and gentle as the spread the oil over Josh’s shoulder joint, down his arm and over his clavicle. The herbal smell is relaxing and Josh’s head starts to droop a little. Tyler must take it as a request because he puts his hands on Josh’s shoulders and starts giving him a proper massage. It’s bliss. Tyler’s hands are strong and they find all the tense spots, many of which Josh wasn’t even aware of. The oil feels amazing on his skin, the glide of Tyler’s fingers sends tingles all over Josh’s body.

“Jees, you’re tight,” Tyler remarks, and all Josh can do is hum in agreement.

Josh’s muscles are giving way to Tyler’s hands. Josh revels in the sensations; the warmth, the release, the satisfaction. Josh is feeling something physical that isn’t pain or discomfort or irritation. He feels taken over; grounded and flying high all at once. Josh is vaguely aware that this in an overreaction. It’s just a massage, it’s just his shoulders and upper back and Tyler isn’t some god with magical fingers. But Josh’s world has been pain for so long, to finally feel some relief from that, to be able to be _in_ his body and not feel terrible, is a gift.

The thing is, they don’t touch each other like this. They are close; they hug and they’ve shared beds, they hold hands as a joke and there are times when they reach out to each other. But this is intimate for them. It’s intimate for Josh. He’s not used to being cared for, not in this way, not without having to ask. Josh is usually the one doing the caring. These past few days though, Tyler has been there for him in ways no one ever has, with complete focus like there’s no one else in the world.

“Sorry man, I gotta stop, my hands are getting sore,” Tyler apologises.

“S’fine,” Josh slurs, “Thank you.”

Josh wishes he could express his gratitude more fully but he doesn’t know how to explain how much he’s been suffering. How could Tyler understand the impact of ten minutes of relief among months of endless agony? Where would Josh even begin?

Josh sits bent over with this elbows on his knees and listens as Tyler goes into the bathroom to wash his hands. Josh is half-hard and he’s not sure when it happened. He hasn’t felt much in the way of pleasure lately, been too tired to jerk off and too sore to miss it. 

“You ok?” Tyler asks as he comes out of the bathroom.

“Yeah,” Josh responds quickly, “Just made me sleepy. The next time someone asks you what job you’d have if you weren’t in a band you should say ‘massage therapist’.”

Tyler snorts, then asks, “You want me to leave so you can sleep?”

“Nah,” Josh replies. Hanging out with Tyler will be more satisfying than jerking off. He’d much rather spend time with Tyler than do anything. 

+

The next day Josh feels antsy and bored. He’d spent two days doing nothing, not even leaving his hotel room and he’s got cabin fever. Josh thinks he might be having a good day. Tyler looks thrilled when Josh suggests going out. They go out with the guys, explore the city. They mess around and take pictures and make jokes and for a few hours Josh almost feels normal. Except that he’s flagging, energy draining faster than it should. Tyler is just getting going and Josh is wondering how the hell he’s going to walk the next block, let alone make it the rest of the day. 

Josh suggests getting something to eat so that he can at least sit down for a while. He doesn’t want to tell Tyler that he’s battling, not while Tyler’s pink cheeked and smiling. Josh is well aware how much they rely on each other emotionally. Josh knows he hasn’t been as open lately, that there have been times when Tyler could have used his support and Josh just hasn’t been able to give it. It’s just as important for Josh to be Tyler’s sounding board when he’s feeling down as it is to encourage Tyler when he’s happy. Josh had never considered how much energy he put into their relationship until he started feeling so terrible.

It’s hard for Josh to eat. His stomach is sore and there’s something about the texture of the food that leaves him feeling queasy. The midday sun is shining through the restaurant window and it should be cheerful but it’s just hurting Josh’s eyes. The chair is too hard and it’s making his ass numb. The restaurant’s coffee machine hisses and splurts and the sound makes Josh wince.

“That’s so loud,” Josh complains.

“What is?” Tyler asks with a blank look.

“The coffee machine,” Josh answers, surprised that Tyler had to ask.

Tyler tilts his head like he’s straining to listen, “I can’t hear it.”

Josh frowns. The hissing of the coffee machine feels like it’s going straight through his brain. He can’t understand why Tyler can’t hear it. Josh drums his fingers on the table, trying to distract himself. The restless feeling he’s had since this morning hasn’t left him, in fact now that he’s sitting he’s aware that it’s only gotten worse. Josh is used to feeling like this when he has to talk in front of big crowds or when his insecurities get the better of him. But this doesn’t feel like the same anxiety. He isn’t specifically worried about anything, he hasn’t had the same pattern of thoughts. The best way he can make sense of it is that it’s like a physical anxiety rather than an emotional one. Every sense is on overdrive, turned up to eleven, culminating in pain. It’s hard for Josh to even tell what’s sore. His entire body is just wrong.

They head back to the hotel late afternoon and Josh isn’t sure how the heck he got through the rest of the day. It’s a blur of walking and buildings and his body screaming at him. They all go back to their respective rooms after making plans to go out for dinner. Josh lets out a heavy sigh when the door is closed. His room is so much quieter than anything has been all day. He closes the curtains and suddenly seeing isn’t such a strain. His brain is doing that thing again where he’s so tired that it feels like his brain is vibrating against his skull. It’s a uniquely unpleasant experience. 

Josh lies down on the bed. Every joint aches. His spine burns between his shoulder blades. His body is punishing him for pushing it. Josh’s insides curdle with anger. A day walking around the city and trying to have fun with his friends shouldn’t result in this. He shouldn’t be brain meltingly exhausted. He shouldn’t be in so much pain. He shouldn’t have to live like this. If Josh had the energy he would want to throw things. He’d want to scream until he threw up. He’d want to tear off his skin and dig inside himself until he found what is wrong with him and rip it out. 

And just like that the anger burns itself out. He’s too exhausted to emote anymore. He’s empty.

+

Josh wakes up to the simultaneous ringing of his phone and knocking on his door. Blurrily he grabs at his phone and struggles to sit up. It’s Tyler calling and Josh tries to answer while he stumbles to the door. He pulls open the door to find Tyler standing there, phone to his ear. 

“Huh?” Josh says eloquently.

“I’ve called you like five times,” Tyler says, ripping his phone from his ear and pressing hard on the screen to end the call.

“Sorry,” Josh says, glancing down at his own phone and seeing the proof, “I feel asleep.”

Tyler pushes his way into the room and clicks on the lights. Josh squints against the harsh brightness.

“You missed dinner,” Tyler says, voice clipped, strained.

“Sorry,” Josh says again, still trying to process the fact that he’s even awake.

“What’s going on with you, Josh?” Tyler says his name like a plea.

“I don’t know,” Josh says, slumping onto the couch. 

Tyler is standing with his arms crossed and Josh can’t get a read on his expression. He doesn’t seem satisfied with Josh’s answer.

“You’ve looked terrible all day,” Tyler says it like an accusation.

It’s not a great thing to hear and Josh puts his head in his hands to hide his face. The last thing Josh should be worrying about is his pride, but he’s still hurt. 

“I’ve just been so rundown lately,” Josh mumbles. He doesn’t want to be having this conversation. He’s not ready to be bringing all of this into the light when he’s not even sure what this is yet.

Josh feels Tyler sit down beside him, close enough that their thighs touch. Josh doesn’t look up, afraid of what he might see.

“Do you think it’s depression?” Tyler asks, and his voice is gentle now, sympathetic. Josh would almost rather go back to when Tyler sounded angry. This softness, Tyler’s warm presence, Josh can feel it seeping into him, exposing him.

Josh shrugs in response. It’s not that he hasn’t considered depression. He knows the signs, knows what it feels like, and it’s not dissimilar. But Josh also knows deep down that’s not what this is. There’s something else wrong with him, he just doesn’t know what.

“I’ve been getting migraines,” Josh admits. It feels weird to say. A bizarre ownership of this new word in his world. He’s heard Tyler sing it a thousand times, to the point that the word lost it’s meaning. Now the word has presence, meaning in his life. He’s not used to it yet. The word is wrong in his mouth.

“Is that what happened the other night?” Tyler asks.

Josh turns his head to peak at Tyler, no longer able to navigate this conversation without visual cues. Tyler looks like he’s trying to project calm, but there’s a tightness around his eyes that betrays him.

“Yeah, but I’ve been getting them a lot, I just didn’t know what they were,” Josh answers.

“Do you think something is causing them? Like dehydration or…?” Tyler leaves the sentence hanging.

“I don’t know,” Josh says, then thinks a little, “I suppose it’s been happening when there’s too much going on. Bright lights and loud noises, that sort of thing.”

Tyler nods, looking pensive.

“I, uh, kinda brought it up with that doctor, but he said it just sounded like exhaustion,” Josh offers. He doesn’t think he entirely agrees with that doctor’s assessment but he is definitely exhausted.

“We do have a pretty hectic schedule,” Tyler says like he’s trying to convince himself.

Josh wonders if Tyler is thinking what he’s thinking, that they have the same schedule but Tyler isn’t getting debilitating headaches.


	7. Chapter 7

Josh’s bruise fades quickly thanks to the arnica and while his shoulder twinges it doesn’t impact his ability to drum. The show goes by uneventfully, Josh is able to do everything he is supposed to. The muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories help a little and afterwards Josh is still unreasonably exhausted but he’s not in as much pain as he has been. He’s able to stay up a little with Tyler, they joke and laugh and it all looks normal. But Josh spends the whole time feeling slightly disconnected, like he’s pretending to be himself. No one seems to notice and Josh isn’t sure if he’s glad or hurt. 

The next few shows go the same way. Josh saves the painkillers for when they’re playing and it helps him get through it. He has a migraine on a day off and this time he sees it coming, notices when the black spots start to dance in his vision. It explains why he was so desperate for salty food that morning. He lies down in his bunk, curled up as much as he can, with the curtains closed, grateful for how dark it is. He can hear the sound of the bus engine running, the wheels on the road as they travel to the next city. Tyler and Mark are talking and every time they laugh it’s like a lance through Josh’s head. 

Josh hears footsteps coming closer and then Tyler is pulling back the curtains. The sudden bright light gives Josh such a spike in pain and nausea that he’s afraid he’ll throw up onto to Tyler. Thankfully the feeling passes.

“Josh, you have to see this thing Mark found it’s so funny,” Tyler says, and Josh has to squint to look at him. 

“Migraine,” Josh says, hoping it’s enough to explain because it feels like too much energy to form a complete sentence.

“Oh, sorry!” Tyler says, and even though he’s not speaking loudly it’s still too loud for Josh to bare, “Can I get you anything?”

“No, just need to be left alone,” Josh manages to say. He sounds pathetic to his own ears but he just wants to suffer in peace. He doesn’t want anyone, even Tyler, to see him with his head smashed open like this. Josh is afraid of what they might see.

At the following night’s show before Tyler sings _Migraine_ he says, “I’d like to dedicate this song to my fren Jishwa.” 

Josh listens to the song with new ears. Suddenly it’s not metaphoric for him, the violence that Tyler raps about is the pain that tears his brain apart. The line ‘ _Sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head_ ’ is like a punch to Josh’s chest. There’s a truthfulness to the line that Josh doesn’t want to acknowledge. But worst is at the end, when Tyler talks about hope, about not playing the game alone. It leaves Josh feeling pulled apart. His eyes sting and he looks away from Tyler. Josh hasn’t felt hopeful in a very long time.

That night Josh lies in bed, his mind whirring. People don’t know it, but while Tyler doesn’t sing _about_ Josh, sometimes he does sing _for_ Josh. They’ve spent countless hours talking about life and insecurities and fear. Sometimes Josh will hear his own phrasing come out when Tyler’s writing. Josh has always been in awe of how Tyler will bare his soul when he writes. The bravery needed to tell the world about your darkest parts is something Josh will never be able to achieve. The only person Josh has ever opened up to like that is Tyler. Since Josh started feeling so bad they haven’t talked like that. Josh has been too exhausted to do anything but try and get by. Josh wouldn’t even know how to start talking about what he’s been going through because he doesn’t understand what’s happening.

When Josh finally falls asleep it’s light and fitful. He feels like his bones are rubbing together through his skin and he half expects to see them through bloodied flesh when he looks down.

+

Life goes on much as it has, Josh adjusts to a life of pain and exhaustion plaguing his every breath. Some days are worse, some days are better. Josh pushes himself to be as normal as possible and everyone seems to buy it, Tyler included. It’s easier for Josh to pretend, easier to cope without having to also worry about how others feel about it. It’s incredibly tiring keeping up the facade and Josh often feels like an imposter in his own life, but he’s also not getting worried glances. And Tyler is happier.

They get a couple of weeks off after they complete their North American leg of the tour before they head to Europe. Josh goes to his place in LA while Tyler goes home to Columbus. For the first few days being alone is a relief. Josh doesn’t have to pretend to be ok. He can groan if he’s sore. He can stay in his underwear and a soft tshirt all day and he didn’t realise how much clothes were irritating his skin. There is no noise except for what he makes. 

Josh spends days doing nothing except lying down and watching tv. Some of his pain recedes, his headaches get better and the ever present tightness in his neck and shoulders starts to loosen. But new pain starts to take its place. His limbs ache from staying in one place for too long. His eyes strain from staring at a screen all day.

There are friends who Josh had wanted to see while he was in LA, but he just can’t bring himself to muster the energy. They message him and Josh procrastinates turning them down. He doesn’t want to leave his house and the more time he spends alone the less appealing it is. It’s the complete opposite of how he used to be. He’s not the type to isolate himself or spend long swathes of time doing nothing. 

Josh finds himself sitting on his couch, tears leaking from his eyes as he thinks about the life he’s lost. It feels like a dream-life. He can’t imagine how it was ever real. How did he ever have enough energy to socialise? What did he do with all the free space in his brain not taken up by pain? Josh’s chest is tight and he coughs up a mournful sob. He grieves for the person he once was. He has lost his life. All that’s left is going through the motions and a few stolen moments of happiness in a sea of agony.

And all those moments of happiness have been with Tyler. Josh suddenly misses Tyler with a force that would have knocked him down if he’s been standing. Tyler gives him a distraction from the pain, makes him feel like he can _be_ , like he can _exist_. With Tyler, Josh feels like he can reach across the chasm and touch his old life. Josh can make the effort to be normal. He’d rather pretend to be his old self than live this hollowed out mess.

Josh wipes his cheeks roughly. The end of their time off can’t come soon enough.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want thank everyone who continues to read, give kudos and especially those who take the time to comment. I've been having an even worse time than usual with my illness lately and your responses make things a little more bearable. Even the simplicity of seeing the hit count go up is something I can enjoy, so again, thank you!
> 
> Also if you'd like to follow me on twitter I'm @awolfling. I'd love to make some twenty one pilots fandom friends! There's only so much you can talk about your obsession with someone who doesn't share it before it gets awkward.

When Josh sees Tyler in the airport something inside him relaxes that he didn’t even know was tightly coiled. He hugs Tyler for too long, too tightly. But Tyler just returns it, taking too much of Josh’s weight, all but holding him up. When they part Josh feels oddly cold, but Tyler is smiling at him and Josh takes comfort in that.

“You haven’t redyed your hair,” Tyler remarks.

Josh’s hand goes to his hair self-consciously. It hadn’t even occurred to him in the two weeks they had off that he should do anything about it. His hair is a wan, sickly colour now. 

“You gonna go back to your natural colour?” Tyler says hopefully.

“Nah,” Josh responds. Dying his hair for the first time felt like an awakening. He’d felt so much more like himself. The second they landed in England he needed to dye his hair. It would be a small way of holding onto himself.

As they board the plane Josh feels the same thrill he always get when they are travelling internationally. He and Tyler sit together, discuss the movies available on the flight, talk a little about what sightseeing they might be able to fit in.

A couple of hours into the flight Josh’s joints begin to ache. He shifts uncomfortably, trying to relieve it, but he can’t find a position that works. He gets up too many times for trips to the restroom partly because the walking helps a little and partly because his bladder feels overly full. As he sits down in his seat again he glances down at his hands and realises they’re swollen. His fingers feel difficult to move. As he studies his hands he sees the swelling extends into the wrists and up his arms. There’s a small scar on his arm that is normally indented which is sticking out slightly. Josh wiggles his toes in his shoes and he’s sure that they are swollen too. In fact his whole body feels bloated.

“Tyler, look at this,” Josh says, bumping Tyler with his elbow. He holds his hands out for Tyler to see.

“Dude!” Tyler exclaims, “What the heck?”

“I dunno,” Josh shrugs.

“Do you think it’s like an allergy?” Tyler sounds concern.

“I’m not allergic to anything that I know of,” Josh says, “Maybe like a water retention thing?”

“That would explain all the peeing,” Tyler says, shooting Josh an amused look. Josh rolls his eyes.

As much as it’s uncomfortable and his joints are sore, being able to actually have something to show for it is a weird relief. Josh spends his days feeling bruised and broken and no one can see it. In the grand scheme of things what he’s experiencing right now isn’t a big deal, but he has something to show for it. He has physical proof of what he’s feeling. He can show Tyler and Tyler can _see_ what’s wrong. It’s _real_. It shouldn’t feel this heady.

“Hey, I googled it,” Tyler says, looking down at his phone, “It says you need to drink more water and move around more.”

It means more to Josh than it probably should that Tyler would make the effort to look it up and see what could help him.

“More water?” Josh asks.

“That’s what it says. So for the rest of the flight you can practise being middle aged, walking up and down the aisles and peeing a lot,” Tyler grins at him.

Josh shoves Tyler playfully. He also follows Tyler’s advice.

Josh doesn’t get any sleep on the flight, but Tyler naps for a few hours. When they land Josh feels more tired than sitting around doing nothing for hours should leave him. It’s morning in England and he would normally be going to sleep now American time. Josh knows that it’s better for him to stay up to adjust to the time difference, but all he really wants to do is sleep. Not that sleep has been satisfying lately. He often wakes up more tired than when he went to sleep. 

Tyler wants to go sightseeing and their next show is only the following night so Josh agrees despite the fatigue weighing on him. Josh also decides that before they do anything he’s going to dye his hair because he knows he’ll be too tired to do it after they’ve been out.

They get to the hotel and plan to meet up after Josh’s hair is done. Josh goes through the motions of readying the dye, glad that he even remembered to pack it. Keeping his hands above his head to apply the dye hurts his shoulders and he feels the first inkling of a headache. Sitting stiffly to keep his head away from anything so nothing stains doesn’t help matters and by the time he’s washing the dye from his hair his shoulders, neck and head are throbbing. Josh would be bored of headaches if they weren’t so painful. Josh takes a couple of Tylenol without much hope that they’ll do the job but maybe they can take the edge off. Looking in the mirror though, Josh feels a little better. His face may be pale, greyed, with dark smudged under his eyes that are ever present, but his hair is vibrant, joyful. The last piece of him still standing.

He calls Tyler and they head out.

They have a nice day. London is a beautiful city and emotionally it’s doing Josh wonders to be out and about. Josh’s two weeks of seclusion maybe have brought him less pain, but loneliness only made him feel worse. Being with Tyler, who is a little sleep deprived and therefore more hilarious than usual, is one of Josh’s favourite things. They laugh together and it feels like breathing again. Tyler touches Josh to get his attention a few times and it sends pleasant parks throughout Josh’s body. Josh touches Tyler back, affectionate pats and grabbing Tyler’s wrist when they see something cool, arms slung around shoulders. Josh doesn’t even worry that he might be betraying his true feelings because Tyler is beaming.

Josh has never considered acting on his feelings towards Tyler, has never really pined. Their friendship means so much and is so satisfying that Josh doesn’t need more. He’s gotten used to suppressing the urge to kiss Tyler, it no longer feels like an effort. The physical attraction is almost superfluous, Josh has never been one of those guys who thinks of sex as a need. It’s a want and wants can be indulged in or not. He has an intimacy with Tyler that he’s never felt with anyone else. Sex wouldn’t deepen their connection. Not that Josh thinks about sex with Tyler often. It’s a lot easier to consider it completely off the table. The only time his feelings make things difficult is late at night when he can’t sleep and he indulges in thinking about how much better he’d feel if he was cuddling Tyler. 

The day is one of the happiest ones Josh has had in a good long while. Physically however, Josh feels a bit like he’s dying. Despite the painkillers his headache only gets worse. The swelling from the plane hasn’t gone down and all the walking has put even more pressure on his joints. His feet feel like they are about to fall off they hurt so much. Josh has gotten better at ignoring pain and for most of the day he pushes it away and actually enjoys himself but when they eventually stop for food Josh has to pay his dues for the time he borrowed from his body. As he sits he can feel all the energy drain out of him, like he’s sprung an unfixable leak. The world around him actually dulls as the pain creeps back into the forefront. The food in his mouth turns to ash. Josh can’t believe he had the strength to make it as long as he did because now that he’s feeling it, the weight of the pain is crushing him.

Josh pays for overextending himself the next day. Just getting out of bed felt like climbing a mountain. He can’t help but wonder if it was worth it. Is enjoyment worth it if this is the price he has to pay? When he was sitting on his couch at home, alone and miserable, he would have said yes. But on this side of things he’s not so sure. It’s an unsolvable dilemma. Doing nothing makes the pain manageable, though still bad, but it also allows depression to settle into his mind. Being active, participating in life helps fight the depression, until he’s in agony. Josh just doesn’t know how to find a balance, not when he’s at the mercy of his prison body.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been so long since the last update! Between work and getting ready for my cousin's wedding (in which I'm the maid of honour) I haven't had much time to write. I hope you all enjoy the chapter.

Josh and Tyler head to the venue they’re playing at that night for a soundcheck. They meet the band who are opening for them and while Josh would normally be trying to make friends with them, he just can’t make the effort. It’s taking everything he has just to be upright. He still feels like an asshole. They’ve never wanted to be the kind of band who thinks they are too cool to hang out with the ‘smaller’ bands. Tyler’s trying to connect with them but he usually relies on Josh to lay the groundwork first. Tyler keeps glancing back at Josh worriedly and it takes too long for Josh to realise that he’s been standing in the middle of the room just sort of staring at them and not talking for several minutes. Josh and Tyler are called to get ready for a few interviews and Josh is saved from having to try and claw his way back into the conversation.

The first interview Josh struggles to follow the conversation, his mind going blank and his attention drifting. When he does speak, his brain and mouth refuse to work together, he mixes up words or forgets them altogether. Tyler saves him, prompting him with the words he’s looking for. Josh also swaps the beginning of words around and the spoonerisms are at least funny, sending both him and Tyler into fits of giggles. 

At the end of the interview they’re asked to film an introduction and Josh looks into the camera and says in all seriousness, “Hi, we’re Plenty One Twilots.”

Tyler bursts out laughing and Josh follows a second later, realising what he said. Tyler’s off the couch and walking off camera, doubled over, like he does when he finds something too funny. 

“Plenty one twilots,” Tyler gasps out, slapping his leg.

Tears of laughter are beginning to gather in Josh’s eyes, Tyler’s hysterics making it even more funny to him. The interviewer is laughing politely, more at them than at Josh’s mix up. 

Tyler sits back down again, wiping at his eyes and trying to suppress his laughter but every time he tries to speak he can’t get more than a word out before he’s laughing again. Josh isn’t much better and in the back of his mind he knows they’re finding this way more funny than they should and he blames the jetlag. Tyler eventually calms down and it’s easy for Josh to stop laughing once Tyler has.

“We’re keeping that,” Tyler proclaims to the interviewer, “That’s our band name now.”

Tyler then looks at the camera and says, “Hi, we’re Plenty One Twilots, I’m Jyler, and he’s Tosh.”

Josh tries to hold back his laugh but he snorts and it sets both of them off again. The interviewer leaves with a bemused look on his face and Tyler and Josh are still snickering as they say goodbye to him.

Somehow all the laughing has helped clear the fog in Josh’s brain and when the next person comes to interview them, a woman this time, he is much more with it. The interviewer actually asks some decent, in depth questions and Josh is glad to have brain back under his control because he actually gets to think about his, and Tyler’s, answers. She asks them a bit about their instrument set-up, about how they plan their live shows, and she seems genuinely interested in what they have to say. It’s pretty refreshing. 

By the end of the interview though, whatever energy Josh had managed to gain is long gone. He’s back to feeling disconnected, but worse, he’s feeling completely overloaded. Every sensation feels exaggerated; sound too loud, smells cloying, the fabric of his clothes irritate his skin. He can actually feel the seams of his shirt rubbing against his sides, the waistband of his underwear biting into his hips. It feels as if there is some spectre clawing at his eyes, weighing them down. He feels desperate, anxious. He wants to crawl into a warm, dark room where everything is soft and there’s no noise. 

There are still a few hours until the show and normally Josh would see if he could head out, explore the city, or maybe go for a run. He hasn’t run in months and all the fitness he had gained is lost. Running used to clear his head but it stopped feeling good. He ended up just not feeling like he was recovering. His muscles wouldn’t just ache, they would cause him huge pain and walking would be difficult for days. It ended up the more he ran the slower he got until he just stopped. The frustration wasn’t worth it. Josh wishes he could go back to that time, but it’s getting harder and harder to remember. He never wanted to be the recluse, the guy who takes touring and visiting new cities for granted, who lost interest in the world. He still wants to go out, but he also doesn’t. He also wants to rest. He wants to not need to rest. He wants his brain to stop buzzing in his head.

Josh isn’t sure how he’s going to make it through the show. The lights and the sound and the physical exertion. It just doesn’t seem like a possibility. Josh gets up and heads to his dressing room, not bothering to tell Tyler, who is talking to someone, what he’s doing. Josh tries to quell the rising panic that is threatening to overtake him. He needs rest, or better yet sleep. He lies down on the couch. It isn’t that comfortable but with a bunched up shirt under his head it will do. He lies with his arm over his eyes to block out the light. Josh tries to tell his body to relax, to tell his mind to calm, quieten. It feels like trying to swim against the current at first, but slowly the sensations begin to fade into normal levels.

+

Josh wakes up to Tyler shaking him. 

“You gotta get up, it’s half an hour until the show,” Tyler tells him and Josh suppresses a groan.

“You ok?” Tyler asks and Josh is starting to get sick of that question. It’s not the concern that Tyler is expressing, it’s the fact that he needs to be concerned in the first place that upsets Josh.

“Yeah, just jetlag,” Josh responds. He doesn’t feel guilty about lying anymore.

“Yeah, you’d think we’d be better at handling it by now,” Tyler commiserates. 

Josh just nods his response. He’s still trying to wake up, working on autopilot until he does.

Tyler hangs around and Josh is slow to get changed and put his makeup on. It’s difficult to tell but he thinks he feels slightly better than when he went to sleep. It’s a different flavour of tired. Certain aches and pains have lessened but he feels more weighed down. Josh gulps two cups of coffee in quick succession and has to smile when Tyler grimaces. He almost considers having a Redbull too but they’ve been making him queasy lately and he decides not to risk it.

When it’s time for them to go on stage Josh is feeling a little more together. He gathers his strength, braces himself for the noise and the lights, and walks out to the roaring of the crowd. As Josh starts the first song he can feel his arms straining to keep up. The time off didn’t do him any good, two weeks without playing is enough for him to lose some strength. His shoulders pull as he hits the drums, protesting at the movement and transferring the effort into his neck. By the second song Josh can already feel the damage he’s doing, his neck is screaming at him to stop and he’s afraid to turn his head lest he go into a full on spasm. It’s making his drumming awkward, he can’t move his body properly from trying to keep his head and neck still. 

Josh is beyond grateful when Tyler takes some time to talk before the next song. It gives Josh a moment to try and relax his shoulders and ease the pain in his neck. He carefully stretches his neck but it feels like he’s doing more harm than good. 

Josh hadn’t been paying attention to what Tyler was saying and it surprises him when he hears Tyler say his name in his earpiece. 

“Josh, I’ve stopped talking now, you can play the next song.”

Tyler turns to the audience and says, “Sorry, we’re both jetlagged. Josh only just woke up.”

Josh’s cheeks burn at that, even though he knows Tyler didn’t mean anything by it. 

Josh starts the next song and puts as much as he can into it. He always wants to give his best, for the fans and for Tyler. It’s not fair if he doesn’t, because they are all giving their best. But Josh just gets more tired and his pain grows persistently.

Tyler speaks more between songs, both in frequency and in length. Josh isn’t sure if it’s because Tyler is in a chatty-tired mood or if it’s for Josh’s benefit but either way Josh is grateful for the breaks. However much to Josh’s shame he has to let Tyler know that he can’t do any stunts, sure that his neck would kill him if he did. No backflip, no drumming in the crowd, no hamster ball. Tyler doubles his effort to make up for Josh’s lack. Josh can see the strain on Tyler, who is also tired and jetlagged, and it makes his insides crumble. Josh hits the drums harder and his neck hurts more and he gives it more than he’s got, until he can’t see for the sweat and tears in his eyes. Until he’s blinded with pain, his vision blacking in and out. He loses track of time. There is only him, the music, and the pain. He hits the last beat for the last song and almost passes out in the stillness that follows. 

Josh gets up on wobbly legs. This time the pain doesn’t come crashing in because he felt it the entire time. He holds onto the pain with a tight grip and instructs himself to move. He meets Tyler at the front of the stage and digs his fingers into Tyler’s hip as they bow because his fingers don’t know how not to be claws. Josh walks off stage stiffly but of his own volition. He thinks he does a pretty good job of appearing normal to everyone backstage. On the ride back to the hotel Josh sits slouched in an attempt to cradle his neck. His heart beats so hard that it jiggles his phone where it’s resting on his stomach. He almost points it out to Tyler but figures it would freak Tyler out too much. 

By the time Josh is in his hotel room he’s cold to the point of shivering. He has a piping hot shower that makes his skin lobster red and his muscles relax marginally. Josh climbs into bed feeling as if he might shatter if not for the tension keeping him together. He found strength in depths he didn’t know was there and he’s afraid of what will happen if he lets go.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been too long for my liking since I updated this story and I am SO HAPPY to be able to write again. Life has been a little crazy but hopefully I won't go so long between chapters again!

Josh wakes up thinking his neck feels better but is cruelly dissuaded of that notion when he yawns and pain shoots through him as the muscles in his neck spasm. He tries to breath through it, tries to relax, but it doesn’t help. He can barely turn his head, has to hold it at an odd angle to keep his neck from hurting more.

Josh’s first instinct is to call Tyler but he hesitates. Josh has felt like such a burden lately. Josh is normally the person other people rely on for support. He isn’t comfortable with the role reversal. It was something that was integral to his identity, that he was the friend who was always there for you. Now that Josh needs help, he feels lost. This isn’t how things were supposed to be. 

Josh’s parents had always stressed the idea of being healthy. They’d encouraged Josh and his siblings to spend time outside, not in front of a TV and Josh, especially as an adult, had really appreciated the benefits of that. Josh had been raised to believe that barring catastrophe such as cancer, that if he lived the right way then he’d never get seriously ill. Josh isn’t sure that ‘seriously ill’ is what he is, but he feels like a failure nonetheless. He must have done something wrong somewhere to feel like this.

Josh calls the front desk of the hotel instead of Tyler. The hotel offers a massage service and he figures that will help. 

The masseuse they send up is both professional and kind. She comes with a massage table that she sets up but Josh can’t maneuver himself properly to lie down with his neck the way it is. Josh needs her help taking off his shirt and he should feel embarrassed but the masseuse, Daniella, puts him at ease. She has him sit on a chair and works on his neck there. She identifies the problem muscles and works on them with ruthless determination. It’s a far cry from the massage that Tyler gave him all those months ago. Josh isn’t losing himself in the sensations, it isn’t particularly relaxing, but his muscles give way and his neck starts to loosen all the same. 

There’s a knock on the door and Daniella instructs Josh to stay put while she opens it. Josh has to swivel his body awkwardly to see who it is, afraid to move his neck and undo the small progress that Daniella has made. It’s Tyler at the door and he has an expression on his face that Josh isn’t sure he’s seen before.

“Uh, am I interrupting something?” Tyler says, innuendo heavily, and unhappily, implied.

“No!” Josh rushes to say, “Just getting a massage.”

“Oh,” Tyler says without inflection, eyeing the massage table and then giving Daniella a penetrating look, before turning back to Josh, “Do you mind if I stay?”

“Uh, sure?” Josh says, not knowing why Tyler would want to. 

Daniella closes the door after Tyler and returns to her spot behind Josh. If she has an opinion about this turn of events, she doesn’t show it. Tyler seats himself on the couch adjacent to Josh. 

“Let’s see how much more movement you’ve got,” Daniella says, carefully guiding Josh to rotate his neck. There’s some improvement, but Josh can feel that one wrong move could cripple him.

“I’d like to try and get you on the bed again,” Daniella says, and Josh watches as Tyler raises his eyebrows at that. Josh can see that Tyler isn’t trying to make this into a joke, he genuinely looks a little upset.

“Your neck may be where your pain is,” Daniella continues, ”But the source of your problem is in your shoulders and back. I can get to them more easily on the bed.”

“Ok,” Josh agrees tentatively. He trusts that Daniella knows what she’s doing but he’s still apprehensive.

“I’m going to help stabilize your neck as you lie down,” Daniella reassures Josh.

It’s a slow process, Daniella holding Josh’s neck, using her thumbs at the base of his skull to keep his head forward and her forefingers on his jaw to stop his head from turning. It’s a difficult way to climb onto a massage bed and his neck twinges a couple of times. Josh gets a look at Tyler and he seems stricken, his face pale and eyes wide. Josh knows he must look like an invalid. Daniella is right, as much as his neck is killing him, his shoulders and back are stiff and sore and make lowering himself onto the bed difficult. Josh feels like an old man. 

Daniella places a towel over Josh’s lower half, tucking it into his pants. From what Josh can tell, the top of his butt is exposed. Under normal circumstances he might feel a little awkward, but with Tyler there watching it feels even more weird. Josh quickly forgets about it though, because Daniella starts the massage and takes no mercy on him. The massage is painful but it also eases the spasm in his neck. 

Josh gets a surprise when Tyler appears underneath the massage table, scooting himself on his back to that he’s face to upside down face with Josh.

“Your face looks funny all squished through the hole,” Tyler laughs, “Can I take a picture?”

“Don’t even try,” Josh threatens ineffectually, his words muffled by his limited movement with his face squished. 

Josh thinks he might have heard a small laugh from Daniella but then she’s digging her knuckles into his buttcheeks to get to his hip joints and Josh can barely breathe the pain and the shock of it is so keen. But from underneath the pain emerges satisfaction from the release of stubborn muscles and Josh stops minding the pain so much. There is a woman massaging Josh’s ass while Tyler lies beneath him. The situation couldn’t get more surreal.

Josh opens his eyes to find Tyler studying his face, focused and intense. They lock eyes and Josh forgets about his body for a second. He watches Tyler’s eyes soften, then crinkle as he smiles. Josh’s heart gives one hard thud and then he’s aware of his surroundings again, of Daniella’s hands travelling up his spine to his shoulders.

The massage is over soon after that and Josh can get up without any help. His neck isn’t one hundred percent yet, but he can move it and he’s not in severe pain. Daniella gives him instructions to rest and drink plenty of water, “With deep massage that like,” she says, “You can end up feeling a little off for a while.”

The second Daniella leaves, and Josh is putting his shirt back on, Tyler is digging around Josh’s minibar and handing him a bottle of water. Josh takes it gratefully, surprisingly thirsty. They sit down on the couch together and Tyler doesn’t even wait for Josh to finish his first sip before he’s talking.

“Why didn’t you tell me your neck was sore?!” Tyler demands, and Josh can tell he’s been sitting on that question since he came into Josh’s room, “And since when?!”

“It started last night, during the show,” Josh says after quickly swallowing his water, “I did tell you that I couldn’t do the backflip and all that.”

“Well, yeah, but I thought you were jetlagged or just had a headache or something,” Tyler persists, waving his hands in apparent frustration.

Josh is a little hurt at Tyler’s phrasing of ‘just a headache’. If what he’s been experiencing was ‘just a headache’ Josh would be ecstatic. 

“Yeah, well,” Josh replies noncommittally.

Tyler seems to be waiting for Josh to say more but Josh isn’t sure what else he can say. Josh feels paralysed, his thoughts going everywhere and nowhere. He’s afraid of telling Tyler everything, the full extent of what he’s been going through. There’s a small part of Josh that still wonders if he’s fooling himself into thinking that what has been happening to him is as extreme as it is. People talk about having headaches and being tired all the time. Josh is nearing thirty, maybe this is just what getting older feels like and he’s the one being a baby about it. But then his brain mounts a counter argument and he thinks about the levels of pain he’s experienced. There’s no way that’s normal, there’s no way everyone else is experiencing the same thing as he is. And Tyler’s never been anything but supportive with him. There’s no real reason to expect Tyler to think badly of him. But then Josh thinks of when he was a kid and his parents wouldn’t let him miss school for anything except extreme cases. His dad used to say, “Man up, it’s just a little bug,” and his mom would pack oranges into his lunch and he’d be sent off to school feeling utterly miserable. Josh has no doubt how much his parents love him, but they didn’t tolerate patheticness. And if Josh has been feeling anything lately, it’s pathetic. 

Josh’s internal struggle leaves him tired and overwhelmed and without new answers. Tyler is still watching him and Josh is acutely aware of how strange he’s been acting, that Tyler must be wondering what the hell is going on. Josh hasn’t been himself since he got sick. He’s isolated himself from everyone, hardly interacted with any of his friends except Tyler. Josh is usually an optimist, and he knows that Tyler relies on him for balance, as much as Josh has relied on Tyler. But somewhere along the way all of Josh’s hope fled him, beaten away by suffering and loneliness.

“I’m sorry,” Josh says to Tyler.

“For what?” Tyler asks with a frown.

“I think there might be something really wrong with me,” Josh says, his heart pounding. It’s a leap he didn’t know he was going to take until he said it. As much as it has felt like extending himself to other people is too much effort, keeping this all to himself has been draining.

“You mean physically?” Tyler asks and Josh can tell that Tyler is worried but trying to keep calm.

“Yeah,” Josh says, scrubbing his hand over his face nervously, “The pain I’ve been in is unreal, the exhaustion I’ve felt is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.”

“Ok,” Tyler says.

“It’s not depression,” Josh says, desperate that Tyler understand, “I know how to deal with that. I’ve been down lately, really down, but it’s the same. I’m in so much pain all the time it would be impossible to be up. And I’ve been trying really hard not to let it affect anything but it has and I’m sorry.”

“I believe you,” Tyler says quietly and Josh feels such a sense of relief that he almost struggles to catch his breath, “And there’s nothing to be sorry for.”

Josh reaches out and wraps his hand around Tyler’s wrist. He locks eyes with Tyler, drinks in the support and love and even worry that he can see there. 

“Thank you,” Josh says, the words feeling meek by comparison to how he feels.

“Come here,” Tyler says, pulling Josh into a hug. 

Josh goes easily, wrapping his arms around Tyler’s middle while Tyler’s arms come up around his shoulders. Josh tucks his face into Tyler’s neck, not caring about the intimacy of it. Josh’s world has been severely lacking in affection. 

Tyler must know what Josh needs because he’s leaning backwards on the couch and pulling Josh with him until they are lying down together, Tyler on his back and Josh on his side. Josh arranges himself to get more comfortable, fits his leg between Tyler’s and his arm around Tyler so that they are flush together. Josh rests his head on Tyler’s chest and he can hear how fast Tyler’s heart is beating. Josh is worried for a second, tries to pull back but Tyler hugs him closer and Josh relaxes into him with a sigh.

“We’re going to work this out,” Tyler says with determination and conviction and Josh really loves him for it, even if Josh isn’t sure he believes him.


	11. Chapter 11

If Josh had his way he would have stayed cuddling Tyler all day but he has to cut it short a few minutes in because his neck is starting to hurt again from the angle he’s lying at. He looks back at Tyler as he sits up and Tyler looks so peaceful, so content. Not that they’ve ever really cuddled like that before, but Josh can imagine that Tyler’s been feeling pretty lonely since Josh got sick. Josh has a strong urge to lie back down, to go back into Tyler’s arms and feel Tyler’s body against his. If he were brave, Josh would kiss Tyler with everything he has. If the world was fair, Tyler would kiss him back. 

Josh is getting the beginning of a headache that is sure to be horrendous with the way it’s already grasping him at the base of his skull and sending tendrils into his jaw and ears and temples. He’s getting nauseous too and he’s starting to get cramps low in his stomach.

“Hey, you ok?” Tyler says, sitting up, “You look pretty pale.”

“Yeah, I’m just not feeling too good,” Josh replies with a grimace. The situation with his stomach is starting to get precarious and Josh is fairly certain he’s minutes away from having diarrhoea. 

“Maybe you should just go,” Josh suggests, not really wanting Tyler to leave, but not wanting to be weak in front of him.

“Yeeaaah, no, there’s been way too much of that lately,” Tyler objects gently, “You’re stuck with me.”

Josh doesn’t have time to respond because he’s rushing to the bathroom. Josh feels miserable when he’s done, his headache is worse and his whole body feels like it’s toxic. The masseuse warned him that he might not feel great, but Josh didn’t expect to feel this terrible. The muscles that she worked on feel bruised and battered. It’s like there’s a feedback loop in his body; his muscles burn causing his head to pound which makes him more nauseous and his stomach clench so he wants to bend over which makes his muscles burn and then his head pounds.

Tyler, bless him, takes one look at Josh and ushers him to bed. Tyler pulls back the duvet for Josh and when Josh is lying down he tucks the duvet around him securely, just how Josh likes. Tyler sets down a couple of bottles of water on the table next to the bed and then goes around the other side and plonks himself down next to Josh.

“Can I get you anything?” Tyler asks and his face is so serious and determined that Josh wants to smile.

“No, I’m ok,” Josh replies, unable to think of anything that might help him besides what Tyler has already done.

“You look like you’re dying,” Tyler frowns.

“Thanks,” Josh mutters, not really offended.

“No, but really, you’re so pale, you’ve got these big black circles under your eyes,” Tyler reaches out and touches Josh’s cheek with his finger, “All the way down to here, and out to your temples.” Tyler traces a line across Josh’s cheek bone up to his temple.

Josh’s defences are down, too tired and sore to remember why he should hold back. Josh leans into Tyler’s touch, a tiny whine escaping his lips. Josh immediately expects Tyler to pull away, to be freaked out, but instead Tyler cups Josh’s face and gently runs his thumb over Josh’s cheek. Josh watches as Tyler licks his lips, eyes scanning Josh’s face.

“You should get some sleep,” Tyler whispers hoarsely. 

Josh agrees but he doesn’t want to. He wants to hang onto this moment.

“I’ll be here when you wake up,” Tyler says as if reading Josh’s mind.

+

Josh wakes up some time later needing to go the to bathroom again. Tyler is asleep next to him, having at some point gotten under the covers himself. He looks adorable with his face half-squished against the pillow and his mouth open.

When Josh gets back into bed Tyler gravitates towards him, tangling their legs together and curling a hand around Josh’s bicep. Tyler gives a happy, satisfied grunt in his sleep. Josh’s heart pounds in his chest and for once he’s grateful that he feels so terrible because otherwise his body would be eagerly showing it’s excitement at having Tyler so close.

Josh dozes, coming in and out of sleep often, his mind whirring at having Tyler cuddle him. This is what Josh has wanted pretty much since he met Tyler. Josh feels a bit like a thief, stealing this moment, this fulfillment, while Tyler is asleep. Josh has spent so much time denying his wants to preserve their friendship. But now he can feel Tyler’s breath on his neck and all of his repression, the years of telling himself he didn’t need anything more, all of it means nothing. Josh has now had a taste, the tiniest, smallest, taste of what being with Tyler might be like. Having Tyler close, being looked after, the feel of his body trapping delicious heat between them. And Josh wants. He wants so much that it burns a hole in his chest and stops his lungs from filling. There’s never been a person who Josh has connected with the way he connects with Tyler. And Josh wants more with an intensity that scares him. And he can never have it, because there’s no way Tyler would want him like that.

Tyler stirs and to Josh’s surprise Tyler moves closer to Josh, plastering himself to Josh’s side.

“How you feeling?” Tyler asks sleepily.

“A little better,” Josh replies. His headache hasn’t lessened much but his stomach seems settled for now and he’s not as nauseous as he was.

“That’s good,” Tyler says with a yawn, “Man, this jetlag is killing me. I barely slept last night and now I’m not going to sleep tonight either.” 

“Sorry,” Josh says, feeling bad.

“It’s cool,” Tyler pats Josh’s chest with his hand, “It’ll come right eventually. Probably just in time for us to go home and be jetlagged all over again.”

“Probably,” Josh agrees.

“Hey, you think you can handle something to eat?” Tyler asks, pulling away from Josh and sitting up, “I’m starving.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty hungry too,” Josh says, already missing Tyler. He tries to push his feelings back down but they don’t go as easily as they normally do.

+

“So,” Tyler says once they’re eating, “We need to figure out what to do.”

“About?” Josh asks, food half-way to his mouth.

“Not over-taxing you during the shows while you get better,” Tyler says matter of factly.

Josh lowers his fork back to his plate. “Oh.”

Emotions swirl wildly within Josh. He doesn’t want to have to change anything, he wants to be able to play as if there was nothing wrong with him. He feels guilty, like a failure. He feels weak. He feels angry that he feels these things. And he also feels resigned, because Tyler is right, they do need to make some changes if Josh is going to have a chance of making it to the end of the tour. Drums are Josh’s life, and his lifeline. It’s all he’s ever wanted to do and he made it, he was living the dream, and now he can feel it slipping away from him. Sometimes playing drums were the only thing making him get up in the mornings. Now performing causes him pain and makes him exhausted in a way that shouldn’t be possible. He’s losing the thing that kept him sane growing up, that helped him battle depression and anxiety. The freedom that drumming afforded him is gone. And Josh is so desperately sad. 

There’s a thought, a scary, heartbreaking thought, that Josh has been trying to avoid and Tyler’s words have brought it to the foreground. _What if he doesn’t get better?_

“So do we cancel all of your stunts?” Tyler asks, completely unaware of Josh’s inner turmoil.

“Um,” Josh has to take a few seconds to pull himself back together and think about what Tyler just asked him. “I can probably do the drum platform but the hamster ball is out of the question.”

“Ok,” Tyler nods easily like it’s completely fine. Josh doesn’t think it’s fine at all.

“I’ll have to take it day by day whether I can backflip or not,” Josh says tiredly. The whole day has been a whirlwind and Josh is sick of thinking and feeling. 

“That’s cool. I want you to take it easy, ok?” Tyler says, “I know how hard you’ve been pushing yourself and you’ll never get better that way.”

Josh just nods. Tyler’s not wrong, in fact it’s nice that his effort is being acknowledged. Really validating actually. But there has been no getting better for Josh so far, not even in those two weeks off when Josh did nothing but rest. Josh doesn’t want to burst Tyler’s bubble though, not when he’s being so understanding and supportive.

The tumult that Josh was feeling fades, unsustainable in its extremity. Forgotten is the moment of peace and nervous excitement that Josh had when he and Tyler were in bed. Gone is the maelstrom of thoughts about what he can and can’t do. All that’s left for Josh is hollowed out grief.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I won't take so long to post the chapter next time!  
> Also me: Doesn't post anything in almost month  
> Sorry!

The European leg of the tour is short by comparison, only a month long, but to Josh it passes by with excruciating slowness. His days are marred by pain and fatigue. The herculean effort it takes to perform wipes out any chance Josh has at doing anything during the day besides rest. And Josh hates every second of it. Cities and sights go unvisited and every hotel room is the same jail cell of beige walls, boring art and scratchy sheets. Tyler looks at Josh funny when he complains about the rough bedding in every hotel. 

“They’re good sheets, Josh,” Tyler says.

Josh has been getting rashes and has to wear a t-shirt to bed to protect his skin from the sheets. The unsightly purple splotches and raised red bumps that crop up in clumps around his body; on his back, his chest, his thighs, make Josh feel incredibly self-conscious. He stops taking his shirt off while playing, rather being hot and sweaty than expose his gross body to the fans.

Josh watches Tyler fade right along with him. Tyler tries to keep Josh company as Josh sloths around uselessly and Josh can tell that’s it’s killing Tyler, sucking the life out of him. Tyler becomes withdrawn and sullen and the guilt that Josh feels is a endless, unendurable weight. Josh encourages Tyler to go out with the other guys and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. When Tyler does go out he always comes back a little bit brighter and Josh has to clamp down on the storm of emotions that threaten to sweep him away. He tries not to be jealous. Jealous that being with other people makes Tyler happier than being with him. Jealous that Tyler and the guys have the ability to go out while Josh is stuck in his hotel room. He tries not to be hurt that being around him is making Tyler sad. He doesn’t blame Tyler. Josh is sad too. And then there’s the anger that simmers below the surface constantly, at how unfair all of this is and at himself for how weak he is. 

Josh feels like he’s getting worse, like he’s slipped down rungs of a ladder that he doesn’t have the strength to climb. And yet, Josh can’t imagine that there could even be a worse, considering how awful he already felt. It doesn’t seem real that anybody could feel so awful and still be alive and Josh questions his sanity more than once. Every day he wakes up more tired, every day his body finds a new way or place to hurt. Performing is no longer a refuge but a torturous clash between what he wants and what he can do.

The fans have noticed that something is up and it only serves to make Josh feel worse; more guilty, more useless. Josh receives hundreds of tweets a day asking him if he’s alright. The video of him falling off the drum platform makes the rounds again, this time more closely scrutinised. Someone points out how sick Josh looked at the show before that, when he had the migraine and Tyler had to all but carry him off stage. That night Josh smears his red make-up wider to cover up the dark rings around his eyes. He takes painkillers and downs coffee and redbull until he feels his heart beat erratically. He drums harder, engages with the audience more, does a backflip for the first time in many shows. The masks scratch and irritate Josh’s face and the sensation makes him want to throw up. Josh just drums through the feeling, trying to conquer his body. Tyler feeds off of Josh, upping his energy levels and performing bigger, further, louder. Tyler smiles wide, more enthused than Josh has seen him in too long. 

When they bow Tyler kisses Josh on the cheek and the crowd goes nuts. Tyler beams and Josh grabs his heart, faking a swoon. Or maybe not entirely faking it because he has butterflies in his stomach and he can still feel Tyler’s lips on his cheek. 

“That was sick!” Tyler crows as they leave the stage.

“So sick,” Josh echoes with less conviction. His mind is racing. The whole performance is a mess of fractured memories, too real and indistinct all at once. Tyler is a ball of happy energy next to him and Josh wants to shy away from it. Josh wants to be in a dark room with no noise, secured under a heavy blanket so that his body might stay together and not break apart like it’s trying to do. He wants his mind to be quiet.

Josh is beginning to feel lightheaded and his heart pounds in his ears, drowning out what Tyler says next. His legs feel weak. His knees wobble. Josh’s whole body, every cell, is screaming at him that something is wrong. There’s a push and pull inside of him; a tide of overwhelming strain, fatigue, overstimulation. Josh is about to be washed away.

“Tyler,” Josh says, hearing his voice from outside his own body. He sounds too normal, too calm, for how he’s feeling. Josh’s vision is blurring and he reaches out to Tyler to steady himself even though he’s still perfectly upright.

“Hey, what’s- whoa, you just went really pale,” Tyler says, “Like I literally just watched the blood drain from your face.”

“Not feeling too good,” Josh says, still feeling like an observer. 

“Let’s get you to the dressing room,” Tyler says, taking Josh’s hand in his and leading him there.

Josh wants to enjoy the feeling of holding hands with Tyler but instead he’s acutely aware of how queasy he is. His stomach is twisting in on itself.

They get to the dressing room and Josh sits down on the couch, elbows on his knees, face buried in his hands. Having his eyes closed helps a little and the observer part of Josh can’t help but think how boring this all is. He’s so done with the inevitable awfulness that performing brings him. This used to be his happiest moment and now it’s ruined by his defective body. His days have turned into a monotonous hell and his nights are now barbarous. It’s no way to live and underneath the boredom Josh can feel a ball of panic that wants desperately to escape. 

“I just want this to end,” Josh groans. Even the air touching his skin has him on edge.

“What to end?” Tyler asks and his voice sounds too far away.

“Everything!” Josh snaps, “I can’t do this anymore!”

“This like… like the band?” Tyler says, shakily.

Josh looks up, alarmed. He doesn’t want to stop playing, he wants playing to stop hurting him. Tyler is by the door, arms folded and hands tucked into his armpits. He looks tiny and lost. Tears spring to Josh’s eyes.

“No, Tyler, I-” Josh’s voice cracks, “Please.”

Tyler looks at Josh wretchedly and Josh can see that Tyler is holding back tears.

“I don’t want to quit, I just want to stop feeling so bad all the time. I’m not getting better, Ty,” Josh sniffs, seconds away from weeping.

This was the last thing Josh needed, but it was also inevitable. Suppressed emotions will always find a way to escape. Josh just wishes they had chosen to escape when he wasn’t already feeling like he’d been run over by a truck. As it is, Josh’s face hurts from crying and his thoughts feel even more fractious. He wonders, not for the first time, if this is the point where his body and mind just give up on him. All of this pressure has got to crush him at some point.

Then Tyler is gathering Josh into his arms and hugging him tightly, holding him together. Josh’s tears stream unchecked, but the awful pressure that plagued his every pore, every cell, is easing.

“I’m sorry,” Tyler whispers, “I’m so sorry.”

Josh leans into Tyler, returning the hug fiercely and allowing Tyler to be his lifeline. The pressure of Tyler’s arms around Josh and where their chests press together calm Josh’s nerves both in a physical and emotional sense. Josh regains some of his equilibrium and it isn’t lost on him how often it’s Tyler who helps him do that. 

“Just don’t go, ok?” Tyler whispers into Josh’s hair.

“I won’t, I promise,” Josh says back through a blocked nose.

It’s not lost on Josh how often he helps Tyler regain his equilibrium too.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short-ish chapter but I needed fluff! <3

Josh struggles to sleep that night, pain gnawing at the edges of his consciousness. He dozes in brief spurts and dreams in flashes of mismatched images and then he’s awake again. In the early hours of the morning Josh can hear Tyler singing something in his room next door. It’s not something Josh has heard before so Tyler must be writing a new song. Josh listens for a while. He can’t make out any words but it sounds melancholic yet defiant. Josh drifts back to sleep and dreams of wildflowers growing between cracks in his skin. The flowers whisper to him, sweet and seductive, _let us, let us, let us_ , but Josh knows they’re wrong and pulls them from his body, tearing flesh along with roots. They leave seeds under his skin and he tries to scratch them out, digs in with his fingernails, has to-

Josh is flung into wakefulness with a crack in Tyler’s voice from next door. Josh can hear that Tyler’s voice is straining from overuse. Josh extricates himself from his twisted bed covers and throws on a hoodie and some sweatpants. Normally Josh wouldn’t interrupt Tyler while he’s writing but they still have shows to perform and Tyler needs to save his voice. Josh tells himself it has nothing to do with the way his heart is still racing from the dream he had.

He knocks quietly on Tyler’s door and Tyler stops singing abruptly. Too many seconds pass and Tyler hasn’t opened the door yet so Josh texts him, _’Hey, it’s me_. Tyler is then quick to open the door.

“Hey, sorry, did I wake you?” Tyler asks as he lets Josh in. Tyler is wearing nothing except his underwear but it’s been a long time since Josh had to make himself not stare. Not looking is a habit now.

“Nah, couldn’t sleep,” Josh says, not entirely lying, “You working on something new?”

“Maybe,” Tyler hedges, and Josh can tell he’s not ready to talk about whatever it is.

Josh nods in response and sits down on the edge of Tyler’s bed, too tired to stay standing.

“How are you feeling?” Tyler asks, sitting next to Josh.

“A bit better,” Josh says. Lying in the dark had helped soothe his senses but sleep was what he really needed, “Just exhausted.”

“Mmm,” Tyler hums in both sympathy and agreement, then he half jokes, “You wanna lie down? We can stare at the ceiling together?”

“Ok,” Josh shrugs.

Tyler climbs under the duvet and since he’s already in his underwear Josh figures that it’s ok for him to take off his hoodie and sweatpants. Josh would prefer to take off his tshirt too but his rash is only just beginning to get better and he doesn’t want it to flare up again. Josh puts one knee on the bed, about to climb in when Tyler stops him with a hand on his thigh.

“Wait, what’s that?” Tyler asks.

“Whaaaaaat?” Josh asks apprehensively.

“The skin on the back of your thigh is like… _red_ ,” Tyler says, leaning closer to Josh to look.

“Oh,” Josh says, realizing that Tyler has spotted his rash. One of his rashes. “Don’t worry about it.”

“No, really,” Tyler insists, pushing the hem on Josh’s boxer-briefs up and revealing more of the rash.

“Just leave it!” Josh snaps, pulling away. Josh doesn’t want Tyler to see how gross his body is. He can’t bare the thought of Tyler being disgusted by him. 

Josh grabs his sweatpants and starts pulling them back on. The part of Josh that isn’t panicked and ashamed is reliving the feeling of Tyler’s hand on his thigh, sliding his underwear up his leg. Josh wants to vomit. A fantasy turned nightmare, Tyler touching Josh in the way he’s always wanted for one of the worst reasons. Josh almost has to wonder if he’s still asleep and dreaming this disaster.

“Josh hey, come on,” Tyler says, reaching out to Josh and then clearly thinking better of it.

Josh doesn’t know when Tyler came to stand in front of him, too caught up in his own thoughts and getting his pants on.

“Josh,” Tyler says again, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what I did.”

Josh sags. He knows his reaction was extreme. Sleep deprivation and stress and desperation have all colluded with each other to make Josh edgy and not himself.

“I’m sorry, Ty, I didn’t mean to- that was- I just-” Josh huffs out a frustrated sigh. His brain is too tired to make his mouth make sense.

“Hey, it’s ok,” Tyler says, putting his hand on Josh’s arm comfortingly.

Josh leans into Tyler’s touch and Tyler doesn’t hesitate to pull Josh into an embrace. Josh hugs Tyler tightly, soaking up his best friend’s love and finding some balance.

“I’ve got a rash,” Josh whispers.

“Hmm?” Tyler asks.

“I’ve got a rash on my leg, that’s the red patch you saw,” Josh says more audibly. It’s easier to admit with his chin tucked over Tyler’s shoulder.

“Oh,” Tyler says without judgement.

“I just didn’t want to you be grossed out,” Josh says. He pulls away from Tyler then, ending the hug. It almost feels like Tyler doesn’t want him to go, his hands lingering on Josh’s back.

“Man, I don’t care about stuff like that,” Tyler shrugged, completely unphased.

“Ok, thanks,” Josh rubs the back of his neck awkwardly.

“So,” Tyler says with a half-smile, “Bed?”

“Yeah,” Josh returns the smile, “Bed sounds really good. I guess I should take my pants off again.”

“Only if you don’t want to die of hotness… uh… heat,” Tyler says, his cheeks going a little red.

“Yeah sure,” Josh snorts.

“Hey, I pride myself on having the world’s hottest drummer,” Tyler says, finding his bravado, “It’ll be me dying of hotness, sharing a bed with the one and only Josh Dun.”

It’s Josh’s turn to blush now. Tyler will do this occasionally, bombard Josh with compliments. After all these years Josh still doesn’t know how to respond to them. It makes his belly go warm and his chest expand even when he wants to deny the nice things Tyler says about him.Josh covers up his loss for works by focussing on taking his sweatpants off again.

They get into bed and Tyler switches off the lights. Josh is taken by surprise when Tyler matter-of-factly snuggles up to him and throws an arm over his stomach.

“This is better,” Tyler says, “I think I might actually sleep now.”

Josh hums his agreement. He feels peaceful with Tyler wrapped around him. They used to share beds often when they first gained small success and could only afford one hotel room. Josh had secretly missed it when they could afford separate rooms. The quiet was always too loud, the bed too big and too cold. Josh hadn’t really even let himself think about it. Another dangerous thought that lead down the path of pining for his best friend. 

Josh revels in the warmth of Tyler’s body. He’s safe here with Tyler’s legs tangled with his. Josh puts his arm around Tyler’s middle, pulling him closer. Tyler gives a content little sigh and slides his hand under Josh’s tshirt, rubbing his thumb over Josh’s hipbone. Josh has to control his breathing because there’s heat building low in his stomach and he doesn’t want to ruin the moment with arousal. Tyler snuggles even closer, like he’s trying to meld their bodies together.

“Love you,” Tyler murmurs sleepily. 

“I love you too,” Josh whispers, the dark making him brave.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I last posted I've been diagnosed with endometriosis and had surgery to treat it. I've still got 4 weeks of recovery to go and I finally have enough of a brain to write again. I'm going to stop apologising for long waits between chapters because apparently Murphy's law will come after me! Thank you to everyone who is still reading and commenting! You guys make me very happy!

The journey back to Columbus is hell. They have multiple layovers and many hours spent in airports doing nothing. Josh used to be good at passing the time, finding ways to have fun, but his brain is fried and everything aches and his grumpiness has everyone avoiding him. Going home always used to be bittersweet. He loves seeing his family but it hasn’t felt like home in a long time. Being on the road with Tyler used to be where Josh was most content. Now Josh isn’t sure that there is any place or situation he could find that he could relax or feel fine in. For once, however, the prospect of having nothing to do for a whole month is appealing rather than daunting. Josh is trying to convince himself that he might start feeling better. At the very least he’s hoping that he will stop getting worse.

The flight into Columbus is one of the shortest in their journey but for Josh it feels interminable. He’s beyond exhausted and there is too much pain to even specify where it’s happening. He’s absolutely miserable and he is well aware that he is wallowing in self pity and also that it is completely justified.

His parents are there to pick him up from the airport and he has to suppress a flinch when they hug him because even the feel of his parents’ loving arms are almost too much for him. The goodbye with Tyler is strange, off kilter. It’s not like they won’t be seeing each other during the break but since the night they shared a bed in the hotel there’s been an unspoken tension between them and Josh isn’t sure if it’s coming from him or Tyler or both.

Back at his parents’ house Josh eats his mom’s amazing cooking and then goes straight to bed. Being in his old bedroom is always a weird time-traveling experience but Josh is too tired to to really notice this time. Josh has the deepest sleep he’s had in a long, long time, knowing that when he wakes up he doesn’t have to work or be ‘on’ or do anything really. When he wakes up he doesn’t feel good, but he does feel better. He can feel the pain waiting for him, one wrong move and he’ll be back in agony, but for now he only has to cope with the supreme tiredness that hasn’t gone away despite sleeping.

They have a big family lunch, the Dun siblings and their respective partners and their parents. It’s fun and happy and lively and Josh forgets for a moment everything that’s been happening to him. They catch up on each other’s lives and Josh is so thrilled to hear about what his family have been up to. After the meal when things start winding down the overexertion and overstimulation hit Josh hard. He’s slammed with a migraine that makes every sense an assault. His vision goes blurry and he has trouble stringing a thought together. He slurs something about needing to lie down and stumbles to his room. He uses the last of his strength to close the curtains and curls up on the bed. He slips in and out of consciousness, aware that time is passing but unable to measure it. At some point his mom comes in to check on him and he’s taken back to the time in elementary school when he got really bad flu. Reality and the memory meld into one another but Josh thinks he tells his mom not to worry, that he’s just jetlagged. He remembers his mom’s warm hand on his forehead checking for a fever but he can’t tell if it’s from the past or now.

Josh has weird dreams that feel half like thoughts and imaginings. He sees Tyler in his mind’s eye, his brain creating a slideshow of all the times Tyler has kissed his cheek or flirted-not-flirted with him. For a second Josh is convinced he’s back in the hotel in Tyler’s bed but this time Tyler is kissing his neck. Josh reaches out for him but is back in his old bed in his parents house alone. Then Josh is dreaming again, distorted memories of the day’s events, Jordan laughing and his sisters’ smiling. Josh swears he hears his dad call his name and wakes up with a jolt to an empty room. Josh is weary and disoriented and his head throbs so badly he’s sure his face is going to explode. He falls asleep again, this time plunged into a black hole of nothingness.

Josh wakes up in the dark to a still house. It’s the middle of the night and he has no idea how long he slept for. His headache isn’t gone by a long shot, but he can see and think again which is a huge improvement. He is also absolutely ravenous. Josh heads down to the kitchen and eats so much he wonders how he could fit it all in. One second he’s craving sweet, the next second savoury. Then he gets so thirsty he feels like he’s dying. He feels completely out of control, like his body needs something desperately and is overriding any sense of decorum. When he begins to feel satisfied he realises that he missed breakfast that morning and apparently supper, and doesn’t feel so much about how much he ate. His head is feeling a lot better now that he’s digesting and he wonders whether his feeding frenzy was due to some sort of dehydration, electrolyte imbalance thing.

Josh’s mom appears at the kitchen door, startling Josh.

“Sorry,” Laura says with a small laugh. She’s wearing a dressing gown and clearly recently awakened.

“I hope I didn’t wake you,” Josh says, surveying the mess he’s made of the kitchen. He gets up from the counter and starts throwing empty packets in the trash.

“No, you didn’t” Laura replies, moving to help Josh clean up. Josh is sure she’s lying but appreciates that she doesn’t want Josh to feel bad.

“I got this,” Josh says, not wanting his mom to clean up after him like he’s a messy teenager.

“I don’t mind,” Laura says, but Josh waves her off and she sits at the counter watching him.

Josh didn’t leave many dishes because he was too hungry to wait to put anything on a plate.

“You’re looking better,” his mom remarks.

“Yeah, I’m feeling a lot better than I was,” Josh says over his shoulder while he rinses a glass in the sink.

“You had us worried,” she continues.

“I’m sorry,” Josh says, this time not looking at her. He’s never wanted to be a burden.

“That was more than just jetlag,” Laura presses.

“Yeah,” Josh admits with a sigh, “I’ve been getting migraines.”

“For how long?” Laura says, not able to hide the concern in her voice.

“I dunno, months. A year maybe?” Josh says. He’s finished with the small amount of dishes but he doesn’t turn around.

“Have you seen a doctor?” Laura asks, full mom-voice.

“Not really,” Josh says, not really counting the doctor he saw all those months ago.

“Josh,” his mom admonishes him.

“I know,” Josh grimaces. There are no good excuses. He just hasn’t wanted to face it.

Josh jumps when his mom touches his shoulder. He hadn’t even heard her get up.

“Babe you have to look after yourself,” she says, squeezing his shoulder.

Josh nods. He knows that she’s right. He’s been trying to handle it as best he can on his own but he needs help. Now that he has some time off he’s finally in the headspace to admit it. He won’t be letting anyone down now if he admits weakness. 

“Let’s get some rest, huh?” Laura says and it reminds Josh of how tired he still is.

They hug goodnight and Josh returns to his bedroom but not to sleep yet. He needs to jump on this before he loses his nerve or convinces himself that he’s overreacting. Josh books a flight to LA for the next day. He needs to deal with this independently and he doesn’t feel like he can do that in Ohio. He puts a reminder on his phone to message Mark Hoppus in the morning for a doctor recommendation and then tries to get some sleep. He’s not looking forward to getting on a plane again so soon but he needs answers once and for all and hopefully he can pay a doctor an obscene amount of money in LA to get some.

Sleep doesn’t come easily despite Josh’s fatigue. He’s trying to keep his anxiety under control but his mind is racing. He’s not sure if he’s more scared of finding out that there’s something wrong with him, or of finding out that there’s nothing wrong with him.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A fun fact: On average it takes men with chronic pain 2 weeks from visiting a doctor to get a diagnosis. It takes women, on average, 7 YEARS to get a diagnosis. And that is because women complaining of 'unexplained' pain are routinely sent to psychologists while men, typically, are not. 
> 
> I'd be writing Josh's journey very differently if he was a woman, however I will be throwing in some experiences similar to my own, just maybe watered down a little. Because this is not to say that every man's chronic pain journey is easy and every woman's is the same. It took me 16 years to get a diagnosis. It took a friend of mine (also a woman) one doctor's visit to get the same diagnosis.

Josh tells his family that something business related came up and that’s why he had to go to LA on such short notice. He feels bad for lying to them but he doesn’t want them to worry. It’s something he needs to do on his own, without his concern for other people muddying the waters and convincing him that he can just push through. 

The plane ride is less grueling than the trip home from Europe but it doesn’t do Josh any favours either. He’s stiff and achy when he gets off the plane in LA. There’s a message waiting for him from Mark Hoppus with a list of three doctor’s names and contact details. Josh is grateful that Mark didn’t ask any questions. Josh phones the first number on the list before he’s even left the airport so that he can’t chicken out. He takes the first appointment he can get, first thing the following day. 

Josh ubers to his place, nerves growing the more time he has to think. He’s already gone over the possibilities in his head from finding out he’s dying to being told there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s never googled his symptoms before, aware of the dangers of self diagnosis and that he’s likely to find a link telling him he has some dread disease even if he was just looking up the common cold. Now, however, being in the dark feels like it’s hindering him rather than helping him. Josh knows himself well, he knows that he doesn’t want to be sick and that he won’t just jump on the first fancy illness he can find. He needs to be more prepared for his doctor’s appointment than he was when he spoke to the doctor when he hurt his shoulder all those months ago.

When he gets to his place he makes himself a cup of coffee and sits down in front of his laptop and types in the search bar “always tired body hurts”. He feels foolish. Part of him wants to close the laptop and just wait for the appointment tomorrow but the other part convinces him that knowing the possibilities is better than being in the dark. 

The WebMD symptom checker gives him a long list of illnesses ranging from flu to Lupus to arthritis. He scrolls through the list but nothing seems to fit. He does, however, learn a lot about thyroid function and autoimmune diseases. Oddly, finding out what illnesses he probably doesn’t have calms his anxiety. He goes back to the google search and the next article that comes up is about an illness he’s never even heard of called ‘Fibromyalgia’. A lot of the symptoms seem to fit; the widespread pain, the fatigue, the flu-like symptoms, the headaches. But then some of the symptoms don’t apply at all, including painful period cramps. He also learns that it largely affects women. Despite the fact that many of the symptoms are very much what Josh’s experience is, he can’t be sure. And if most of the people who get it are women then it seems less likely.

A couple of hours have passed since Josh first started looking up his symptoms and he feels better equipped even if he doesn’t have any answers. He spends the rest of the day doing a jigsaw puzzle to keep his mind off of his impending appointment and it mostly works. He sleeps poorly that night, lying awake for long stretches that leave him wondering if it would be better to just get up and do something but his tired body refuses to move. 

The next morning the lack of sleep gives him a false sense of bravado that he’s happy to have as he leaves for his appointment. He tries to resist overthinking and succeeds about half of the time. He practises what to say to the doctor, trying to remember all of his symptoms. The doctor’s rooms are like any other, except the art on the walls looks considerably more expensive than he ever saw in Columbus. The receptionist is friendly but brief and Josh is given forms to fill out.

The wait is tense and feels neverending and as Josh’s anxiety grows he almost hopes the doctor never calls him and he can just go home. He has to talk himself out of minimizing his symptoms and doubting himself. He didn’t go through all these months of suffering and all the worry and anxiety leading up to this appointment just to chicken out at the last second. If he’s going to go through this, he has to see it to the end.

His back-and-forth thoughts are interrupted by the doctor calling his name. The doctor is probably middle aged, though it’s often hard to tell in LA. There’s a sprinkling of grey hair at his temples and he’s very tanned but his skin is surprisingly smooth and youthful. Josh almost wants to ask what products he uses.

“So what can I do for you today?” the doctor asks as he sits down behind his desk and gestures to the chair in front. Josh sits down, feeling awkward.

“Well,” Josh starts and has to take a deep breath. “For the past year or so I’ve been excessively tired, experiencing body pain, all over, and I’ve been getting really bad headaches and migraines.”

“Hmm,” the doctor nods and Josh can’t get a read on him, if he’s taking this seriously or not.

“It says on your form that you’re in a band?” the doctor asks, glancing at said form in front of him.

“That’s right,” Josh answers, feeling wary.

“Do you do drugs?” he asks.

“No,” Josh says, starting to get a little angry. It’s the same assumption that the other doctor made and Josh is really getting sick of people thinking that because he’s in a band that he must be and act a certain way.

“It’s ok, this is all confidential, I just need to get the full picture,” the doctor says in a tone bordering on patronising. Josh is kind of starting to hate him already.

“I don’t do drugs, I’m not into that stuff,” Josh struggles to keep his voice calm.

“Ok,” the doctor nods, “The lifestyle you lead, though, can really take it out of a person. The constant travelling, not having a regular sleep schedule, the pressure of being in the public eye.”

Josh takes a second to think about it. The doctor is right about all of that. It’s the same argument Josh has had with himself. But this has got to be something more. Tyler does the exact same things that Josh does and he’s not battling with the ailments that Josh is.

“I understand where you’re coming from,” Josh says, surprised at his own diplomacy when all he really wants to do is shout ‘why don’t you take me seriously?!’. “But I think this is something more than that. Touring never used to be so difficult. The headaches I’ve been getting have been impacting my ability to do my job.”

“Fair enough,” the doctor says, “Let’s do some blood work and see what comes up, it could be a vitamin deficiency or something similar.”

Josh nods, glad that he’s not just being dismissed but still not entirely sure that this doctor is actually hearing him.

“Have you had an STD test recently?” the doctor asks, looking up from a form he’s filling out for the blood tests.

“No,” Josh blushes, “But that’s not necessary.”

“You’ve been using protection then? Every time? Because it’s not just penetrative sex you can get an STD from, you know, oral-”

“No,” Josh interrupts the doctor, wishing the ground would swallow him up so he didn’t have to talk about his sex life or lack thereof, “I mean, I haven’t been having sex.”

“Oh,” the doctor says with surprise but thankfully doesn’t comment further.

Josh waits impatiently for the doctor to finish filling out the form. Of all the ways Josh had imagined this visit to go, this was one he had not considered.

“Here you go,” the doctor says, handing Josh the form, “Lucy at the front desk will tell you where to go.”

“How long will it take to get the results?” Josh asks, hoping he’s not in for a long wait.

“I can have them prioritize you but that does cost extra,” the doctor informs him.

“Yeah, that’s ok,” Josh says. The only thing he cares about right now is getting answers.

“Then we should get them by tomorrow, Lucy will call you,” the doctor says.

The end of the consultation ends so abruptly that Josh leaves the office feeling a little bewildered.

Josh has to go up a floor to get blood drawn. The nurse who takes his blood is a sweet woman in her early twenties whose eyes widen with recognition as she sees him. She remains professional though and when she’s taken his blood she tells him, “I’m a huge fan but don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about this. I’d lose my job but I wouldn’t anyway.”

Josh can tell she’s being sincere and thanks her with a hug, smiling when he hears her shaky gasp as she tries to control her excitement. He leaves the room feeling much better than he did leaving the doctor’s office. Until he gets a look at the bill and how much all of this is costing him. He has to stop himself from saying “What the HELL?” outloud but he thinks it very very forcefully. He can afford it, but the charges are exorbitant. He doesn’t even have a diagnosis yet, or had any treatment and it’s already cost him a crazy amount of money. He can’t believe what he’s paying having spent less than fifteen minutes with a doctor being vaguely talked down to and embarrassed. Josh knows he’s paying LA prices, but he wonders, not for the first time, how anyone in this country affords medical care.

Josh gets home and feels lost. He hadn’t realised the burst of adrenalin he’d had dealing with the doctor and now that it’s leaving he’s more tired than ever. But he’s also lonely and bored, with absolutely no energy to rectify it. He doesn’t want to see any of his LA friends, all of whom will expect upbeat, energetic Josh. Josh couldn’t even leave the house right now with the way he feels. But another day alone in his empty house feels like a jail sentence. 

The only person Josh really wants to see is Tyler. Tyler doesn’t expect anything from Josh. He doesn’t have to perform or act a certain way with Tyler, he can just be whatever he is at the time and Tyler accepts him for it. Josh hasn’t even told Tyler that he’s in LA. He’s not sure why he feels nervous about telling Tyler, except that maybe he’s scared of being put under more pressure for answers than he’s already putting on himself. Josh and Tyler have always been so open with each other, it doesn’t feels right to keep stuff from him. Despite the fact that Josh is keeping his attraction to Tyler, and his kinda in-love-with-him-ness, to himself. Josh doesn’t want to bear another secret. He dials Tyler’s number.


	16. Chapter 16

Tyler is more than surprised to hear that Josh is in LA and when Josh tells him why, that he’s seen a doctor and is waiting on test results Tyler immediately offers to fly down to be with Josh. But as much as the offer touches Josh, and as much as he’d love to have Tyler with him, Josh won’t be responsible for limiting Tyler’s time with his family. Josh can hear Tyler’s brothers laughing in the background as they talk and he hears Tyler’s mom shout something. They all sound so happy, and Josh will not be the one to take that away from them. Josh thinks about how abruptly he left his own family and feels guilty about it. Josh has been feeling a lot of guilt about a lot of things lately. Since he got sick it feels like all he’s been doing is letting people down.

“Why LA?” Tyler asks Josh, “There are plenty of good doctors here.”

“I know, I just needed to do this alone, and I’m assured more privacy in LA,” Josh says, hoping it makes sense to Tyler. Josh isn’t entirely sure it makes sense to himself, it’s just something he felt he needed to do.

“Will you let me know as soon as you get the results?” Tyler asks at the end of the conversation.

“Yeah of course,” Josh reassures him. 

Josh gets a spike of anxiety thinking about the impending results. He can’t say he was happy with the doctor’s assessment of him. Josh knows he’s not an expert, but he knows his body and his experiences and he can’t help but feel like the doctor is looking in the wrong place. If the results come back normal, then where does that leave Josh?

Josh is hit by a wave of exhaustion. Between the lack of sleep the night before and crashing after the adrenalin of that morning’s doctor’s visit, he can barely stay awake. Josh crawls into bed, barely able to get under the covers before he’s out like a light.

Josh sleeps most of the day away, waking up starving. He has supper alone, tempted to call Tyler just to chat but resisting. Josh knows how much Tyler’s family means to him and their hectic schedule hasn’t allowed for a lot of down time lately. Tyler deserves unencumbered time with them.

Sleep comes more easily for Josh that night, exhaustion overriding anxiety.

+

Josh gets a call the next day to say his results are ready and he can see the doctor that afternoon. He’s surprised at how quickly that happened, but he supposes that’s what paying such high prices gets you.

Josh enters the doctor’s office with not so much worry as dread. One way or another, he’s going to get some sort of answer today. He’s not sure that he’s ready, but he also just wants it over and done with. 

“Well,” the doctor says as Josh sits down, “Your results were inconclusive.”

Josh just stares at him, not sure what to say.

“You seem perfectly healthy,” the doctor continues, flapping the piece of paper with the test results, “Magnesium levels are on the low side of the normal range, but that’s nothing to be concerned about. All in all, I’d say there’s nothing physically wrong with you.”

Josh’s heart sinks. As much as he knew this was a possibility, a tiny part of him was hoping for some clarity, to be told what was happening to him. And to be told how to get better.

“So what now?” Josh asks, feeling very far away.

“I think we need to stop looking at the physical, and start looking at the emotional and mental,” the doctor says with sympathy. 

Josh doesn’t appreciate the sympathy at all.

“Have you had any experience with depression?” the doctor asks.

“Well yes, but-” Josh starts, wanting to explain that this is more than depression but the doctor interrupts him.

“A stressful lifestyle like yours can exacerbate your symptoms. I’m going to give you a list of names of psychologists I recommend. They will do video call sessions with you, if you’re travelling. And I would suggest you make sure you eat healthily and exercise. Healthy body, healthy mind!”

And with that, Josh is ushered out of the office with a piece of paper containing the names of four psychologists. Josh is stuck somewhere between rage and devastation that mostly makes him feel numb and empty. By rote he pays his account and drives home, his mind swirling with nowhere thoughts. When he gets home, Josh stares at the piece of paper for a long time. There has to be more than this. He knows what depression does to him, and what he’s been experiencing isn’t it. But doubt creeps in. He’s back in that place wondering if the pain he’s been experiencing is as bad as he made it out to be. Is he just attention seeking for some reason? Does he just have a completely miscalculated sense of what pain and exhaustion is? That’s two doctors now who have come to the same conclusion. The second one with the help of lab results. But there is a part of Josh that remains stubborn, that tells him this is real, that points out all the things he’s still managed to do while in extreme pain. That stubborn part tells him, ‘if anything, you’re stronger than most people, not weaker.’ Josh wonders if that stubborn part is just ego.

As much as Josh wants to keep this blow to himself, he phones Tyler to tell him the results.

“Josh!” Tyler picks up the phone after only one ring. 

“Tyler, hey,” Josh says.

“Are you alright? You sound… tired,” Tyler is concerned and Josh wonders what word he was going to say before he settled on tired.

“Yeah, I’m perfect apparently, the doctor said there’s nothing wrong with me,” Josh doesn’t keep the bitterness from his voice. Now that he’s said it out loud, the anger he first felt is starting to make itself known.

“What?! That’s bullshit!” Tyler almost shouts. Josh sort of wants to laugh, but there’s nothing funny about it.

“Yeah, he basically told me it was all in my head,” Josh says before clearing his throat. It’s just his luck that all of his emotions are coming out while he’s speaking to Tyler.

“You know that’s not true, right?” Tyler says, his voice so soft, “There’s no way that’s true.”

“Maybe it is,” Josh sighs. He feels so tired and dragged down. Defeated.

“Josh, I’ve seen you, ok? When you have a migraine your whole face changes, you’re pale and your eyes go glassy and you get these crazy black rings under your eyes that make you look like you’ve been punched in the face! It’s real! Ok, Josh? It’s real,” Tyler says and Josh can just imagine how he’s clutching his phone hard and pointing to emphasize his meaning.

Josh sniffs and wipes his eyes, then says, “Yeah, ok.”

“Good,” Tyler responds, “So are you going to try and find another doctor?”

Josh thinks about the list Mark gave him.

“I can’t go through this again, not now,” Josh admits.

“That’s ok,” Tyler says, surprising Josh who was half expecting a lecture.

“Thank you for understanding,” Josh says, words a poor expression of how he really feels.

“Are you gonna come home?” Tyler asks.

Josh knows that when he says ‘home’, Tyler means Columbus. But when Josh responds, “Yeah I’m coming home,” he is only thinking about Tyler.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to Kitchensink_IV

When Josh gets back to Columbus he does his best to shake off the disappointment of his wasted trip to LA and the blow that was the visit to the doctor. He makes a conscious decision to put aside his disillusionment and only do things that make him feel good. The month off is spent with family and friends. He sees Tyler often and it feels a lot like old times, before they were signed, when Ohio was all that they knew. Josh finds a bit of a balance between resting and actively participating in his own life and while he’s still in pain and still tired, emotionally he feels a lot better. Without the pressure of having to play and worrying if he’s going to be able to, he has more energy to put into his own happiness. There are still hard days. He learns that he can’t spend the whole day out doing stuff without suffering the consequences but with the time off, they are his consequences to suffer. There are still days where getting out of bed is genuinely difficult, but it’s easier to deal with knowing that if he doesn’t get out of bed, it won’t mean the end of the world. 

Having put so much on one doctor’s visit, having been so devastated by his opinion, makes Josh want to be in complete control of his own life. He’s lived with so much doubt and insecurity, he doesn’t want to put that in the hands of anyone else again. He’s well aware that he won’t be impervious to criticism, but he doesn’t want to rely solely on anyone else’s opinion, even that of a doctor. Josh grew up thinking that doctors always knew best, that their opinions were near sacrosanct. He knows now that doctors aren’t infallible. And he’s trying to learn to trust his own opinion, his own experience, too.

Josh also spends the break researching fibromyalgia and the more he finds out about it the more he thinks that is what’s wrong with him. No other illness that he can find even comes close to describing his symptoms as fibromyalgia does. He finds a website with over 200 symptoms listed and while obviously he doesn’t have _all_ of the symptoms, he discovers that he has a lot of them. Some he didn’t even realise were symptoms, he just thought that’s what being alive was like that sometimes. It shocks him how much longer he’s been sick than he knew, because he was just brushing aside what he was experiencing and making adjustments without consciously thinking about it. 

After some time to process and think critically about what he has read, especially to make sure it’s not power of suggestion, Josh tells Tyler that he thinks he has fibromyalgia. Tyler has never heard of it before and Josh tries to explain it the best he can. It feels weird to say it out loud and Josh stumbles and stammers through it. It feels like he can’t properly convey his experiences. How do you describe pain in a way that makes sense? How can you explain what soul-destroying exhaustion really feels like? But Tyler just accepts what Josh tells him, takes him seriously and doesn’t judge. Josh is so grateful that he has to hold back tears. Tyler hugs him fiercely and tells him, “You don’t have to go through this alone, I’ll help you anyway that I can.”

+

After the break they have a series of festivals to play around the country. It shocks Josh all over again how much travelling takes it out of him. A month of staying in the same place had made him soft. Still, it’s much easier to play festivals with several days break in between than to play almost every night and spend the rest of the time cramped on a bus. Josh can give it his all each time they play because he knows he has time to recover before the next show.

The last festival they play, it rains. The wet makes it harder to hold onto his drum sticks and they go flying a lot more than usual but the atmosphere of the crowd is electric and it spurs both Josh and Tyler on. The weather keeps Josh cooler as he plays and it makes it a little easier on him. 

The rains gets heavier and towards the end of the set Tyler is running across the stage and slips jumping up onto a platform. Tyler lands hard on his knees and from Josh’s angle it looks like it _hurt_. Tyler carries on singing and Josh keeps drumming even though he’s desperate to check on Tyler. Although intellectually he knows that if Tyler is carrying on that he can’t be that hurt, but Josh won’t be satisfied until he’s seen with his own eyes that Tyler is ok.

At the end of the performance they go to bow. Josh wraps his hand around Tyler’s shoulder and as they bend he hears Tyler hiss. He shoots Tyler a worried look that Tyler doesn’t notice, beaming at the crowd and lapping up their joyous energy. Josh follows suit, it’s one of the biggest crowds they have ever played to and the sound coming from them is deafening. The frenzy feels tangible and it follows them off stage like a bellowing wind.

Tyler laughs and whoops and Josh smiles, infected by Tyler’s jubilance. They go backstage, Tyler talking all the time about how amazing it was. Josh agrees, adding in his own observations about the crowd. They’re high off of the energy of the crowd.

“Somehow the rain just made it better!” Tyler says, eyes bright and smile wide.

“Yeah!” Josh says, “And speaking of, how are your knees? That fall looked pretty bad.”

“Dunno,” Tyler says, “It hurt a lot at the time but now they just kinda sting.”

Tyler tries rolling his pants leg up but it is too tight to get past his calf. Tyler shrugs and starts unbuttoning his pants and pulls them down around his ankles. Josh doesn't have time to think about Tyler disrobing in front of him because Tyler's knees distract him. He's scraped a fair bit of skin off of both of them, his right more than his left. They're not actively bleeding but they look raw. Josh can also see the beginnings of a pair of really nasty bruises.

“Yikes,” Tyler says, looking down at his knees.

“Yeah, jees,” Josh agrees, “We should put something on those, there's normally a first aid kit around somewhere.”

Josh glances around the room and sees the kit tucked away in the corner. He fetches it while Tyler kicks off his pants and sits down on the couch. Josh doesn't miss the small wince Tyler makes as he bends his knees.

Josh kneels in front of Tyler, placing the kit beside him. In it he finds bandaids not nearly big enough to cover a knee, antiseptic, gauze and tape, along with various other things that he won't need. Josh cleans up Tyler's knees with antiseptic, knowing full well that it's probably overkill. Tyler doesn't say anything, just lets Josh tend to him. Josh, for his part, enjoys fussing over Tyler. He's sorry Tyler got hurt, but it's not serious and in the meantime Josh gets to look after Tyler. Lately the roles have been reversed and Josh is glad to restore some balance to their relationship.

When Josh is finished cleaning the wounds he tapes the gauze pads to Tyler's knees, making sure to provide lots of cushioning. With Tyler's knees bent as they are, it means the bandaging, such that it is, will still be comfortable when he straightens his legs.

Finished with his task, Josh drops a small kiss on each of Tyler's knees.

“There,” Josh says, “All better.”

Josh looks up at Tyler and only notices then how suggestive a position they are in. Josh is kneeling between Tyler's legs. Tyler's bare legs. Tyler is hunched forward, looking at Josh with intensity and maybe even want. Their faces are so close, all Josh would have to do is lean up...

There's a knock on the door and both Josh and Tyler startle.

“You guys ready to go?” someone calls.

“Almost,” Tyler replies, finding his voice before Josh can. He sounds squeaky and odd.

Josh clears his throat and moves to stand up but Tyler's hand on his shoulder stops him.

“Am I reading this right?” Tyler asks quietly, his voice a little shaky.

Hope plants itself firmly in Josh's chest.

“I think so,” Josh replies, eyes darting from Tyler's eyes to his lips and back.

It's hard to say who moves first but their lips meet, Josh surging up and Tyler bending down. Tyler's lips are full and soft and demanding. Josh plants his hands on Tyler's legs to steady himself. Tyler's skin is soft and warm and Josh strokes the insides of Tyler's thighs with his thumbs. Tyler's breath hitches and Josh smiles into the kiss. Tyler cups Josh's face with both hands, tilts Josh's head just so and deepens the kiss. Kissing Tyler feels like a dream, better than anything Josh had ever allowed himself to imagine.

But reality reasserts itself and Josh is made aware of how achy his joints are from kneeling. He pulls back from the kiss reluctantly. Tyler looks undone; his eyes glassy, cheeks flushed, and his lips. Tyler's lips are a miracle.

They are both breathing heavily and Josh wants nothing more than to keep kissing Tyler but his sore body needs a change in position before he's in agony. Josh's legs are shaky as he stands and it's as much from the kiss as it is from the lack of blood flow. Tyler holds onto Josh's hips. Josh is half-hard, the bulge in his shorts now level with Tyler's face. Tyler grins suggestively up at him and Josh blushes. A glance down and Josh can see that Tyler is in a similar position and his underwear leaves little to the imagination. Josh suppresses a moan as a surge of want flows through him.

Josh's head is a mess. Something he had never considered was possible is happening and he's struggling to process it. Desire fuzzes his thoughts but so does pain. His body is as tired as it ever is after performing.

“Hey,” Tyler says, squeezing Josh's hips with his hands and Josh marvels at how big Tyler's hands suddenly feel, at how good having them wrapped around him is.

Josh wants to stay like this, wants to keep feeling Tyler's hands on him, wants to keep kissing Tyler. He wants to revel in this moment of his wildest dream coming true. But Josh's body has other ideas; the pain and fatigue of overexertion is already dampening his desire.

“I just gotta sit down for a bit,” Josh says, feeling light-headed.

“Are you ok?” Tyler asks as he lets Josh go.

“Yeah, just... tired,” Josh says, sitting down on the couch next to Tyler.

Tyler looks at Josh with furrowed brows.

“It is alright that I kissed you?” Tyler asks.

“It was more than alright,” Josh says, able to muster a smile. Beneath his exhaustion Josh is elated. “It's something I've wanted for a really long time.”

Tyler gives Josh a shy smile, “I really want to kiss you again.”

Josh's heart does a somersault.

“Yeah, me too,” Josh says.


	18. Chapter 18

The ride back to the hotel is filled with tension. Tyler keeps finding an excuse to touch Josh. Josh has to suppress shakey giggles as his heart flutters every time Tyler’s fingers brush his. Every time Tyler squeezes his shoulder. Every time he pats Josh’s knee. Josh can’t hide his smile though, and when he looks at Tyler he sees that Tyler is the same.

By unspoken agreement Tyler follows Josh to his room when they get to the hotel. The ride in the elevator seems to take twice as long as they stand in opposite corners. Josh desperately wants to close the gap between them, get his hands on Tyler and kiss him, but he has no idea whether Tyler would welcome that in public. There’s so much they need to discuss but Josh is too exhausted to bring it up now.

They walk down the hall to Josh’s room, shoulder’s bumping and unusually quiet.

“Can I sleep with you?” Tyler asks when they are outside Josh’s door.

“Uuuuuuuhhhh,” Josh freezes, thrown by the question.

“No- Not- just sleep,” Tyler quickly clarifies, “Sleep, sleep. Not euphemistic sleep.”

“Oh, yeah, sure,”Josh says, feeling his cheeks go red. It’s not that he doesn’t want to get physical with Tyler, but right now he’s too tired to even think of attempting something.

“I actually sleep a lot better when I’m with you,” Josh confesses, eyes briefly locking with Tyler’s and then looking away.

Tyler takes Josh’s hand and links their fingers together.

“Me too,” Tyler says, giving Josh’s hand a gentle squeeze.

Josh has to let go of Tyler’s hand to get his keycard out and open the door. They’ve held hands before, ostensibly platonically. But since the kiss earlier everything has taken on a new life. Josh just doesn’t want to stop touching Tyler now that he’s allowed to, without having to worry that his feelings will show. The absence of worry and pining is a heady experience. Josh almost feels a little lost after spending so many years in the habit of denying himself. He’s in free-fall. It’s exhilarating and a little frightening all at once. But he likes it.

The second the door is closes behind them, Tyler pulls Josh into a kiss. It’s different from before, being of equal height now. Josh is able to pull Tyler in close, run his hands over Tyler’s back. Tyler buries one hand in Josh’s hair, the other slips under Josh’s shirt and grabs at his hip. Tyler’s thumb strokes over Josh’s hipbone and Josh’s whole world narrows down to the places where they are touching. Nothing else exists. The intensity is overwhelming and soon Josh breaks the kiss and rests his forehead on Tyler’s chest, trying to regain his equilibrium.

Tyler strokes Josh’s hair, occasionally running his fingers along the back on Josh’s neck, sending tingles through Josh’s body. Feeling more steady, Josh lifts his head. Tyler’s eyes are soft and his grin goofy.

The post-show high magnified by the thrill of a first kisses leaves Josh dazed. There’s a growing tightness behind his eyes that is sure to turn into an awful headache. Because as amazing as this all is, Josh’s body won’t let him forget that he just played a show.

“Come here,” Tyler says, and pulls Josh into a hug. Josh relaxes into it and lets out a long breath. Josh presses a kiss to the side of Tyler’s head and Tyler’s hands tighten on Josh’s back before he lets go and steps back.

“This is real, right? We’re together now?” Tyler asks.

“Yeah,” Josh smiles, feeling a little breathless.

“That’s…” Tyler reaches out and puts his hand on Josh’s chest, over his heart, “Wow.”

Josh places his hand over Tyler’s. Josh’s heart is pounding and Tyler must be able to feel it because he gives Josh a lopsided smile.

“Hey, I know that you’re probably still pretty hyped but I really need to sleep soon, I’m sorry,” Josh says. As he predicted, a monstrous headache is taking hold.

“Don’t worry about me,” Tyler says earnestly, “I’m looking forward to getting into bed with you. To sleep. Innocently. Please don’t think I’m trying to pressure you.”

“When I’m not so tired, I promise you, Ty, there will be nothing innocent about what I do to you,” Josh says, allowing himself to look Tyler up and down and really appreciate just how attractive he is.

Tyler licks his lips and oh, how Josh wishes his body wasn’t so terrible because he wants so badly to do more than kiss Tyler. But his vision is starting to blur and the room has taken on a tilt from the pounding in his head. Josh feels like he’s in danger of falling over.

They get ready for bed, teeth brushed side by side and taking turns to pee. They get into bed, Tyler just in boxers and Josh in both boxers and a tshirt to avoid a rash from the hotel sheets. Josh lies on his back, still feeling off-balance despite lying down. Tyler scoots up to Josh and puts an arm over Josh’s stomach and his leg, knee bent, goes over Josh’s legs. Josh puts his hand on top of Tyler’s. The contact grounds Josh and he’s able to relax. The bite of his headache eases.

Josh is drifting off to sleep when Tyler shifts and wakes him up. Tyler settles and Josh is just falling asleep again when Tyler moves.

“You ok?” Josh asks sleepily.

“Yeah, just my knees hurt, man,” Tyler says, moving again.

“You wanna swap positions?” Josh asks.

“Maybe, yeah, sorry,” Tyler responds.

Tyler rolls away from Josh onto his back and Josh follows him, tucking into Tyler’s side. Tyler loops his arm around Josh’s back and pulls him in even closer. Josh curls around him and rests his head on Tyler’s chest.

“That’s better,” Tyler sighs happily.

Josh hums his agreement. Tyler’s body is so warm and safe. The sound of Tyler’s heartbeat lulls him to sleep.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm calling this chapter "Back on my Bullshit". I hope you all enjoy it!

Josh and Tyler wake up late and barely have time to shower before they have to get to the airport. It had been arranged long in advance that Josh would go to LA and Tyler back to Columbus for this mini break. In a week and a half they go back to touring.

With the rush to the airport Tyler and Josh have barely had time to speak. In the cold light of day, Josh’s bravery has fled him. He has no idea what would be appropriate, they haven’t discussed what their relationship means, how it will affect the band, whether they want to keep it a secret or not. And what will their families think? Tyler seems nervous too and they say goodbye awkwardly, their hug brief and unaffectionate.

As Josh boards his plane he curses himself for being an idiot. The night before everything had been so clear but the vibe between them after they woke up had been so weird that Josh let doubts creep in. Knowing Tyler as he did, Josh is sure that the same thing happened to him. If they’d had more time to speak maybe they could have avoided the tangled mess of feelings that now sits like a stone in Josh’s stomach. He’s trying to resist spiralling thoughts but there is a little voice telling him that Tyler regrets kissing him, that Tyler doesn’t want to be with him after all. Josh knows that the voice is lying, but it chips away at his certainty.

The plane is readying for takeoff when Josh gets a message on his phone from Tyler.

_“I miss you already”_

Josh smiles and the little voice of doubt quiets. 

_”I miss you too,”_ Josh writes back.

+

The first few days back in LA Josh makes an effort to see all the friends he’d been neglecting lately. Everyone is happy to see him and they have fun but that sense of being an imposter in his own life starts creeping in again. So much in his life has changed since he last saw these people, he’s not sure they know him at all anymore. His LA friends are far more casual, they’ve never had deep conversations the way he’s had with Tyler. Telling them that he’s sick would feel weird, but he can no longer keep up with them either. Staying up all night is no longer an option and he bails early from every single hangout, lest he become too tired or in pain to be able to drive himself home. He has to turn down more than one invitation because the activity planned is too physical.

Tyler and Josh text a lot, telling each other what they’ve been up to, talking about the next leg of the tour. They don’t get too mushy, but there are plenty more ‘I miss you’s. Josh doesn’t tell Tyler how tough it’s been trying to fit into his old life. He only has so much energy to spend and he wants his conversations with Tyler to stay happier, to have a break from how he’s feeling physically and emotionally.

A week into the mini-break all of Josh’s socialising catches up with him. He wakes up feeling like he’s been hit by a truck several times over. His head pounds with some twisted combination of a migraine and a tension headache. All of his muscles and joints hurt making moving only a bit more terrible than being still. He keeps all the blinds and curtains closed because the sun is an assault on his eyes. Even the feeling of his clothes touching his skin is too much and has him rubbing his hands over his arms and legs and torso, trying to stop the tingly hurt that fizzes through his body. All this serves to make Josh’s anxiety sky-rocket. It’s complete sensory overload and Josh feels like his brain is bashing against the inside of his skull, trying to escape. Josh tries to breathe away the rising panic, acutely aware how much more he will suffer if he has a panic attack on top of everything else. 

The painkillers Josh takes don’t do much, or maybe they’re working and without them Josh would be dead from the pain levels. He switches between lying down, trying to tell his body to relax, and pacing his house trying to burn off the anxiety.

Josh’s doorbell rings and he groans. The last thing he needs right now is to see another person. He opens the door anyway.

“Tyler?” Josh says, having to do a double take.

“I just couldn’t wait any longer to see you,” Tyler says before pulling Josh into a kiss.

It takes Josh a second or two to process what’s going on. Tyler’s lips are warm and insistent and he crowds Josh inside and closes the door behind himself. For a few brief moments Josh forgets about his pain because Tyler is here, in his arms, drinking him in like a man lost in a desert. Tyler’s hands are all over Josh, grasping at every available piece of flesh. Tyler pulls back and starts moving down Josh’s neck, placing sucking kisses and giving Josh just a hint of teeth. Josh gasps. If Josh weren’t feeling so terrible this would literally be a dream come true. Instead Josh feels on the verge of collapse.

“Tyler,” Josh pants.

“Mmm?” Tyler responds, lips at the base of Josh’s throat. Tyler’s hands move to Josh’s ass, fondling him.  
Josh is struggling to breathe and it’s not from arousal. In fact his dick is completely limp despite Tyler doing absolutely everything that Josh has always wanted.

“Tyler stop,” Josh says weakly, grabbing onto Tyler for dear life. Josh is sure he’s in danger of fainting. His head feels like it is about to explode, intense throbbing in his temples and a vice at the base of his skull. Josh’s knees turn to jelly.

“Whoa,” Tyler huffs, grabbing Josh and stopping him from falling just in time.

“Tyler,” Josh repeats himself, unable to find anymore words in his screaming head. 

“What’s wrong?” Tyler asks, readjusting his grip and taking more of Josh’s weight.

“Head,” Josh manages to get out.

“Ok,” Tyler says, apparently understanding what Josh was trying to say, “Let’s get you to bed.”

“Can’t,” Josh says, afraid to move.

“That’s fine, just put your arms around my neck, I’ll carry you,” Tyler says, sounding firm and in charge.

Josh does as Tyler says. He has a moment of nausea as Tyler lifts him, one hand under Josh’s back and one under his knees. Josh clings to Tyler as Tyler carries him the short distance to Josh’s bedroom. Tyler lays Josh down gently on the bed. Josh immediately curls into a ball.

Josh’s bedroom is darker than anywhere else in the house thanks to his black-out curtains and he’s able to relax his scrunched up eyes.

“I’ll be right back,” Tyler says, leaving the room.

Alone, Josh is left to think about how utterly pathetic he is. He feels disconnected from his body, amazed that he can even think through all the pain. Instead of being able to enjoy a surprise visit from Tyler, who was on the way to fulfilling a fantasy that Josh had denied himself for a very long time, Josh ended up a jibbering wreck. He’d cry if he didn’t think that it would completely destroy him. His head can’t take anymore pressure.

Josh hears Tyler come back into the room.

“Josh? I’ve got a cold cloth for your eyes,” Tyler whispers, “Can I put it on for you?”

Josh manages a nod and Tyler tucks the cloth around Josh’s eyes as best he can with Josh lying on his side. The cold helps a little, and Josh presses the cloth more firmly into his eyes.

“Thanks,” Josh mumbles.

“I’m just glad I can help,” Tyler responds, still keeping his voice low, as if he knows how sensitive Josh is to sound right now, “I’m going to rub your neck a bit, if that’s ok?”

Josh makes an affirmative sound.

Tyler rubs gentle circles into Josh’s neck with his thumb and index finger. He starts where Josh’s shoulder meets his neck and slowly works his way up to Josh’s head. The intense pull in the back of Josh’s head starts to ease and Josh feels like he can breathe again. Josh relaxes fractionally.

“There you go,” Tyler encourages him, “Just relax.”

Tyler’s soft voice helps and Josh feels like he sinks into his bed. Tyler keeps up with the massage, coaxing Josh’s muscles into relenting. 

+

Josh wakes up with his head cradled in Tyler’s lap. Tyler’s hand is on Josh’s shoulder, a warm contact point that grounds Josh. His headache has subsided, leaving him feeling bruised and battered but no longer desperate. Josh must make a noise because Tyler quietly asks, “Are you awake?”

“Yeah,” Josh croaks, his throat dry. 

“Can I get you some water?” Tyler asks.

“No, stay,” Josh says, grabbing Tyler’s leg to stop him from moving.

“Ok,” Tyler says, stroking Josh’s shoulder.

They are quiet for a few minutes. Josh takes stock of his body. His joints are still achy but the skin crawling sensation is gone. He’s not feeling that throat closing anxiety either. As terrible as he still feels, it’s much better than he felt earlier.

“Josh,” Tyler break the silence, “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Josh says honestly.

“It is. I should never have just jumped on you like that, I should have called first,” Tyler insists.

“If I hadn’t been feeling so crappy I would have loved it,” Josh says, squeezing Tyler’s leg, “I did love it! I’m just sorry my body is defective.”

“Josh, no,” Tyler strokes his hand through Josh’s hair, “Don’t say that.”

“It’s just the truth,” Josh says.

Tyler must not know what to say to that because he keeps quiet. Josh worries that he’s upset Tyler. 

“Thank you for looking after me,” Josh says.

“I looked up how to treat migraines a couple of weeks back,” Tyler explains, “I wanted to be able to help you, as little as it is.”

“You helped a lot,” Josh responds.

“I think I messed up,” Tyler says.

“You didn’t!” Josh rushes to say.

“No, not that, I-” Tyler swallows, “I got all caught up in my own head this week. I was worrying about the band and about us and about-”

Tyler goes quiet.

“About what?” Josh asks tentatively.

“I’ve never been with a dude before. Like ever. Not even a kiss. And kissing you, it felt so good. And I kept thinking about you saying what you wanted to do to me, and I just… I got scared,” Tyler admits.

Josh’s heart sinks.

“If you don’t want to be together, that’s ok,” Josh says, the words tasting like ash.

“I do want to be with you! My head just got messed up worrying about what to do, if I’d be good enough for you,” Tyler whispers the last part.

Josh has to sit up, has to be able to see Tyler’s face. Even in the gloom Josh can see how anxious Tyler is.

“I’ve never been with a guy either,” Josh says, taking Tyler’s hand and holding it in his, “Just a few kisses, that’s it.”

“Really?” Tyler asks.

“Yeah. And from what you were doing earlier, there is no way I’m not going to enjoy being with you,” Josh lifts Tyler’s hand and kisses his knuckles.

“And we can work the sex thing out together?” Tyler asks, “‘Cause I do want that.”

“I could tell,” Josh jokes.

“Sorry,” Tyler says.

“Come here,” Josh says, guiding Tyler into a kiss.

They keep the kiss soft and slow. Tyler melts under the kiss and soon they’re lying down together, side-by-side, legs tangled. Josh can’t keep the kiss up for long though, post-migraine exhaustion sucking his strength.

“Sorry,” Josh sighs tiredly.

“I think we need to stop apologising,” Tyler says, then plants a kiss on Josh’s forehead, “You wanna sleep more?”

“Maybe.”

“I’ll be right here.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that I've changed the rating on this story to Explicit. Yes, there be sex ahead.

The morning is cool, cloudy and quiet. Josh and Tyler are warm under Josh’s soft duvet, spooned together, Josh behind and Tyler in front. Josh’s arm is around Tyler and Tyler holds Josh’s hand against his chest, even in his sleep. Josh wakes up first, feeling fuzzy and relaxed. Tyler’s body is like a furnace against Josh’s cooler one, keeping Josh pleasantly toasty. Josh wiggles his body against Tyler’s, revelling in the feeling of skin on skin. The expanse of Tyler’s bare back against Josh’s chest, their hairy legs pressed together and undeniably male.

Tyler makes a sleepy ‘mmf’ sound and pushes back against Josh. Tyler’s ass brushes Josh’s morning wood, which Josh hadn’t taken much notice of until now. Josh tries to discreetly move away.

“Stay,” Tyler mumbles.

“Are you awake?” Josh asks, still angling his hips away from Tyler.

“No,” Tyler responds in a tone of voice that Josh interprets to mean ‘Yes, but I don’t want to be.’

“I just need to…” Josh tries to move further away from Tyler, but Tyler has Josh’s hand firmly held in his.

“Come back,” Tyler whines, pulling on Josh’s arm while scooting back. Tyler’s ass presses firmly against Josh’s erection and Josh stifles a moan.

“Oh,” Tyler says flatly.

“Yeah,” Josh responds, “If you’d just let me go, I can-”

“You can stay like this,” Tyler cuts Josh off, “I mean, if, if you want.”

Josh’s mouth is suddenly very dry.

“What exactly do you mean?” Josh manages to ask, his mind going in a thousand directions at once, and not every direction is making him comfortable.

“Oh, uh, I’m not really ready for, you know, full on…” Tyler trails off.

“Yeah, me neither,” Josh says, relieved that they’re on the same page.

“We can do other things though,” Tyler says, sounding more sure.

“Like this?” Josh says, rolling his hips and rubbing himself against Tyler.

“Yeah,” Tyler says, and Josh can hear the smile in his voice, “And then you could…”

Tyler takes Josh’s hand and guides it down to his crotch. Josh is happy to find that Tyler is just as hard as he is. Josh places his hand over Tyler’s clothed erection and Tyler’s hips jerk. Josh kisses Tyler’s neck and Tyler stretches to give Josh more skin to put his lips on. Tyler reaches back and puts his hand on Josh’s hip and encourages him closer.

Tyler smells sleep warmed; a little sweet, a little musky and Josh has a new favourite scent. Tyler’s skin has a hint of salt and when Josh sucks a kiss into the curve where Tyler’s neck and shoulder meet, Tyler pulls in a sharp breath and digs his fingers into Josh’s hip.

Gaining confidence, Josh slips his hand into Tyler’s boxers and wraps it sound Tyler’s dick. Josh had never considered the reality of this. Tyler is hard and leaking pre-cum and Josh’s hand slips easily over him. It’s not at all like holding his own dick, Tyler is a different shape and size, with a different curve. Josh isn’t sure what Tyler likes but Tyler is panting and rocking his hips so Josh must be doing something right. 

Sweat forms between them, where Josh’s chest presses against Tyler’s back, slick and vital. Tyler’s breathing comes in short bursts punctuated by little ‘umf’ sounds that Josh finds as cute as it is sexy. Josh scrapes his teeth over Tyler’s shoulder, making Tyler shudder and rock himself more insistently into Josh’s hand. As close together as they are, with Tyler’s movements Josh is getting all the friction he needs and it doesn’t take long for him to be approaching the edge.

“‘Mnot gonna last long,” Josh rasps into Tyler’s neck.

Tyler jerks and makes a tiny ‘Ah’ sound before his cock is twitching in Josh’s hand and he’s coming all over the inside of his boxers. Josh helps Tyler through it, unsteadily pumping his hand up and down as his own body begs for release. Tyler’s hand clenches and unclenches on Josh’s hip as his whole body shivers spasmodically.

With a final sigh Tyler goes boneless and Josh stills his hand. He gently removes his hand from Tyler’s boxers and wonders what the etiquette is for cleaning his hand. Josh settles for wiping it on Tyler’s boxers. They’re already messy.

“Your sex voice is insanely hot,” Tyler says, and Josh would blush if he wasn’t already so flushed with arousal. 

Tyler turns over so he’s facing Josh and Josh whines as they briefly lose contact.

“Gonna take care of you now,” Tyler says, voice low and rough.

“Yeah,” Josh agrees as Tyler puts his hand in Josh’s boxers.

The skin on Tyler’s hand is soft, but his grip is firm and Josh can’t stop his hips from bucking. Josh strokes his hand over the silhouette of Tyler’s body, mapping him from hip to waist to rib cage. He pulls Tyler in for a messy kiss, panting into Tyler’s mouth as Tyler steadily jacks him.

All told, it takes Josh about twenty seconds to come, but to Josh it feels much longer, an exquisite stretched out moment in time that lasts forever. As orgasm hits him he stills, breath held as tightly as he holds onto Tyler. Josh had forgotten that his body could feel good.

Josh comes back to reality in bits, sticky boxers, then Tyler’s breath on his face, his hand on Tyler’s back. The sheets are scrumpled underneath him and it’s far too hot now under the duvet.

“You’re so quiet,” Tyler says.

“Hmm?” Josh asks.

“When you come, you’re like, completely silent,” Tyler explains.

“Oh, sorry,” Josh says, looking away. It had never really occurred to him that he orgasmed differently than anyone else, that not making a noise was strange.

“I like it,” Tyler strokes Josh’s cheek, “You look so blissful.”

Josh bites his lip and Tyler follows it with his thumb, soothing the reddened skin.

“I’ve never been able to keep quiet, I have to bite down on my pillow in the bus so nobody hears me,” Tyler continues.

“You, uh, jerk off on the bus?” Josh finds his voice. The mental image of Tyler, in his bunk below Josh, pleasing himself, biting his pillow to muffle the noise, has heat pooling low in Josh’s stomach.

“Don’t you?” Tyler flashes Josh a wicked grin.

The truth is, Josh hasn’t had much of a libido since he got sick. Too tired and sore to think about sex.

“Not really,” Josh hedges, not wanting to bring the mood down by mentioning his illness.

“Shy Josh,” Tyler jokes.

“You’re shameless,” Josh counters, giving Tyler a quick kiss to let him know that he’s playing.

Josh’s stomach grumbles then and Tyler laughs.

“Hungry?” Tyler asks.

“Yeah, a little,” Josh says, slightly grateful for the interruption.

“Shower and breakfast?” Tyler quirks an eyebrow.

“Shower together?” Josh asks with a smile.

“You read my mind,” Tyler grins back.

They kiss more in the shower than they do wash and Tyler’s hands roam Josh’s body. Josh can’t stop looking at his name tattooed on Tyler’s thigh, keeps rubbing his thumb over it almost expecting it to wash away. They really did do this thing backwards and Josh almost wants to laugh.

By the time they finish showering Tyler is getting hard again but Josh’s body is beginning to remind him of yesterday’s strain and not even wet, naked, horny Tyler can fix it. Tyler doesn’t say anything though, or move to turn things more sexual. 

They eat cereal sitting on Josh’s couch and it feels just like any other time, any other day. It’s too normal considering that they just jerked each other off in Josh’s bed. Then Tyler kisses Josh on the cheek and Josh’s heart flutters and everything is delightfully unnormal.


	21. Chapter 21

The three days Tyler and Josh spend together before going back on the road are both blissful and agonizing for Josh. Getting Tyler to himself with literally no one else around is amazing, but Josh spends the days feeling sick and weak. Tyler does everything he can to look after Josh and Josh couldn’t appreciate it more. But this isn’t how Josh saw this relationship going, when he allowed himself to imagine it. He didn’t think their days would be spent cooped up because Josh is too sick to leave the house. Josh imagined having fun together, exploring the world, stealing kisses in public when no one is watching. When he thought about curling up together on the couch, it was the urge to cuddle that he thought would put them there, not Josh’s unable body.

Josh is wracked with guilt at not being able to give Tyler what Tyler deserves. Every time Tyler does something for Josh he feels both thankful and terrible. Tyler shouldn’t have to look after him, not like this. But Josh doesn’t bring it up, as much as he yearns for Tyler to comfort him. Josh isn’t going to be the kind of burden who makes his partner comfort him for being nice to him. Josh may not be able to control his body’s failing, but he can control his mind’s.

Tyler seems beyond happy, he smiles more than Josh has ever seen. He laughs and jokes. He surprises Josh with kisses. If he’s within reach, Tyler never stops touching Josh. Suddenly Josh’s life is bursting with affection and even though his body tries to drag him down, Josh’s heart is full.

“I missed this, touching you so much,” Tyler says one afternoon, when they’re on the couch together and Josh has his feet in Tyler’s lap. Tyler has been drawing nonsense pictures with his fingers on Josh’s legs.

“Me too,” Josh says, sitting up so that he can kiss Tyler.

They’d always had a tactile relationship but as Josh got sicker he withdrew, began to fear sensation. Tyler reminds Josh that not all sensations are painful. Being able to touch Tyler too, in all the ways he’s always wanted is a blessing Josh had never thought possible.

Josh and Tyler discuss their relationship, what it means for them, for their job, and they both decide to keep it a secret for now, both from the public and from family and friends, until they feel ready. They stay up late, tangled up in Josh’s bed and voice their apprehension about the reaction they might get. Tyler confesses he thinks his family will be ok with their relationship, but he wants to tell them in person. Josh hears more hope than certainty when Tyler says that. Josh knows his siblings will accept him, but his parents are more conservative than Tyler’s. He honestly doesn’t know what their reaction will be. One thing Tyler and Josh are both entirely sure of, is that they want to be together no matter what.

As each day passes Josh finds himself with a growing sense of dread. He’s not ready for what being back on tour will do to his body. He wants to play music, he wants to be out there for the fans, but the next leg of the tour is a jam-packed schedule, playing many nights in a row, travelling all over the country again, and in between it all they have a music video to shoot and a couple of award shows they have committed to being at.

Josh has been researching treatment options for fibromyalgia and the results were disheartening. Every treatment option available is controversial, hailed as a miracle by some and completely discredited by others. There is zero consensus about what works and the internet is full of grifters trying to sell snake oil disguised ‘all natural’ cures. Not even medical research has come to any helpful conclusions. Josh reads about diet plans and exercise regimes and painkillers and supplements and alternative therapies until his head feels like it’s going to explode. He sees a lot of stuff about the importance of staying active and how increased movement can lessen symptoms, but when he actually finds the research on it he’s shocked. The studies define activity as five minutes of low impact movement a day, but to be careful not to push oneself on days when under strain, such as when you have to grocery shop. Josh wants to cry when he reads that. The only thing he finds that’s consistent is the need to reduce stress and workload. Which is the only thing Josh can’t afford to do.

When they board the plane on the first day Josh has to give himself multiple pep talks. He has to put aside his worries and focus on his job, how much music means to him and what he owes the fans. They fly out to the first city and book into a hotel for the night. They have separate rooms for show but they only see the one. They’ll be back in a bus from then on for the most part, a thought which Josh ignores for the time being. The cramped quarters of a bus aren’t great on his body, but he doesn’t need to worry about that before the show.

Walking onto stage that night, getting that hit of adrenalin, Josh thinks he’s going to be alright. The energy from the crowd spurs him on and Tyler radiates joy. 

Halfway through the concert Tyler says, “Josh you look so damn good tonight!”

It sends tingles down Josh’s spine, the thrill of a secret, and Tyler looks straight at Josh and licks his lips. Josh has to drum harder to stay focussed on playing and keep his mind off sex.

At the end they bow and Tyler rests his head on Josh’s shoulder and Josh pulls him in close, patting his head. It’s not anything they haven’t done before and Josh is glad that they’ve always had a close relationship. They can get away with public displays of affection easily. Josh smiles when he hears extra whoops from the crowd and wonders just how much pandemonium there would be if the fans found out that Tyler and Josh were actually together.

Josh is happy to find that his pain levels aren’t too high after the show. He’s not sure if it’s the rest he’s had or just random but he’s grateful nonetheless.

Back at the hotel room Josh and Tyler are all over each other, celebrating a successful first show back. Playing festivals is fun, they both love it, but their own concerts with the audience made up entirely of their fans is something special.

The strip each other in between kisses, slowing down to touch each new section of skin exposed. They’re still learning each other’s bodies, haven’t done much more than what they did in Josh’s bed that morning. What Josh has learned, he puts to good use, nibbling on Tyler’s earlobe and softly scratching his fingernails down Tyler’s back. It draws the most delightful whines from Tyler, littles ‘mm’s as Tyler grabs at Josh.

Soon they’re naked and Tyler is pushing Josh to lie down on the bed. He straddles Josh and bites his lip as he looks down. Tyler traces his fingers over Josh’s chest, as if he’s memorising Josh’s skin. The sensation is just short of ticklish and it sooths Josh’s post-show jitters. Josh relaxes under Tyler’s gentle gazel. Josh rests his hands on Tyler’s thighs, loving the contrast of hair and soft skin underneath. 

Tyler leans forward to press kisses to Josh’s neck, throat, collar bones while his fingers map Josh’s ribs. Josh let’s Tyler do as he pleases, giving himself over. He begins to feel boneless and Tyler slowly makes his way down Josh’s torso. He’s warm, cared for, lulled, sleepy…

_Josh dreams of a pastel world, seafoam green grass and powder blue sky. The sun is warm and fluffy where it touches Josh’s skin. A cat appears with pale rainbow fur and meows at him. Josh meows back and suddenly he is the cat, slowly loping over a blush pink path, other cats joins him and they run towards someone saying, “Josh.”_

Josh wakes with a jolt at Tyler calling his name. It’s a huge effort to drag himself from the fog of sleep. He struggles to pry his eyes open and Tyler is hovering over him.

“Dude were you asleep?” Tyler asks.

“What?” Josh says, still trying to figure out what’s happening. He’s not sure why he’s naked.

“You were. You fell asleep on me when I was about to blow you,” Tyler says incredulously.

“Shit,” Josh says, Tyler’s words dawning on him, “Shit, Ty, I’m so sorry.”

Tyler starts to laugh and Josh is halfway between embarrassed and mortified. Tyler rolls off Josh and flops down beside him, wiping his eyes as he giggles.

“I can’t believe you fell asleep,” Tyler says between laughs.

“I feel awful, I’m so sorry,” Josh says, covering his face with his hands.

“No, it’s fine,” Tyler saying, laughter beginning to abate, “I know shows tire you out, I shouldn’t have started anything.”

“I wanted to, though,” Josh says.

Josh peeks between his fingers and finds Tyler grinning at him.

“Stop laughing at me,” Josh moans, “This is really embarrassing.”

“I’m not laughing anymore, and besides it wasn’t _at_ you,” Tyler says, pulling Josh’s hands away from so he can see Josh’s face. “It’s just, the only reason I knew you were asleep was because you said something about cats while I was kissing your stomach.”

“Oh God,” Josh groans, “I was dreaming about rainbow cats.”

Tyler bursts out laughing again, resting his forehead against Josh’s shoulder.

“That’s one of the most _you_ dreams I could imagine,” Tyler says, briefly linking hands with Josh and squeezing.

Josh wonders if he’ll ever live this down. 

“Why don’t you go back to sleep?” Tyler says with a quick kiss to Josh’s shoulder, “I’m just gonna go take care of things in the bathroom.”

“Noooooo,” Josh whines, turning so he can trap Tyler under his arm.

“What so I’m not allowed to jerk off now?” Tyler smirks.

“Of course you are,” Josh huffs, “I just wanna carry on.”

“You just fell asleep, Josh,” Tyler gives a small frown, “I don’t think you really up to it.”

“Oh, I am definitely up to it,” Josh says.

Tyler groans, “You loser,” but kisses Josh anyway.

Josh responds eagerly, guiding Tyler onto his back until Josh is on top. Tyler bends his knees and Josh slots between them, bringing them together. Josh rolls his hips and Tyler gasps, breaking the kiss. Tyler puts his hands on Josh’s ass, pulling Josh closer and grinding up into him. It’s not long before both of them are panting, losing rhythm. Tyler squeezes Josh’s ass, his fingers dipping towards the centre and Josh is coming, burying his face in Tyler’s neck, resting most of his weight on Tyler. It only takes a few seconds for Tyler to follow, his hips bucking, moaning in Josh’s ear.

They lie like that for a while, both spent and sleepy. Josh feels himself drifting off and realises that he needs to get off of Tyler lest they wake up stuck together with semen. It feels like a great effort to roll over and Josh knows he should clean up but his energy is draining from him faster than he can think.

Josh must have dozed off because Tyler is suddenly there with a warm cloth, wiping Josh off and already clean. Tyler slips into bed beside Josh and gathers Josh up into his arms.

“Were you really gonna blow me?” Josh asks sleepily.

“I was thinking about it,” Tyler mumbles and Josh can tell that he’s falling asleep too.

“Wanna try, wanna do you,” Josh says fighting unconsciousness.

“As long as you don’t fall asleep with my dick in your mouth,” Tyler jokes.

“S’not funny,” Josh grumbles.

“Yeah it is,” Tyler insists.

Josh falls asleep before he can formulate a reply.


	22. Chapter 22

Josh wakes up the next morning scratching himself. He’s itchy all over and the skin he’d been scratching in his sleep feels hot and raw. Josh extricates himself from still sleeping Tyler’s arms and heads to the bathroom. The image in the mirror is dismal. Josh has hives in patches all over his body. Falling asleep naked in a hotel bed was a stupid move. The parts where he scratched himself are bright red like bad sunburn. They radiate heat and there are purple splotches beginning to form. The rash has mainly appeared in more sensitive areas; on Josh’s thighs, his chest, the insides of his biceps. Josh turns around and finds more red bumps and splotchy skin on his back and even a bit on his one buttcheek. 

Josh resists the urge to scratch more, the tender areas he’d scratched in his sleep warning him that it will just make it worse. Instead he goes to his bag and roots around in it looking for a tube of anti-histamine cream that he picked up from a pharmacy the last time he’d gotten a rash.

On his way back to the bathroom Josh sees that Tyler is awake, blinking sleepily and yawning.

“Hey,” Tyler says, his voice rough from sleep.

“Hi,” Josh says, clutching the tube of cream and fighting the need to cover up.

“Jees, Josh, your skin,” Tyler remarks, sitting up and scooting to the edge of the bed.

“Yeah, shoulda put clothes on before sleeping,” Josh mumbles. He trusts that Tyler was telling him the truth when he said that rashes didn’t gross him out, but Josh still feels self-conscious.

“I’m sorry,” Tyler says.

“It’s not your fault,” Josh fiddles with the tube in his hand, “I’m just gonna put this on.”

Tyler gets up and follows Josh to the bathroom, “I should have dressed you before we slept.”

Josh snorts at that, “I’m not a kid, Ty.”

“I know,” Tyler says, like it doesn’t change anything, “You wanna shower first?”

Josh nods and they shower together. They do nothing but wash and Josh quashes his insecurities that try to tell him that Josh’s body is putting Tyler off. Josh has been getting more and more body conscious the sicker he’s gotten. He looks at Tyler’s healthy skin, smooth and soft and golden. Josh hasn’t been in the sun in months, no longer able to tolerate the brightness. Josh has lost some muscle definition too now that he’s no longer as active. And the reality that Josh has been steadfastly ignoring up until now is that he’s put on a little weight. His stomach is no longer flat. He doesn’t look like himself anymore and he hates it. It’s not so much what he looks like, as it is the physical embodiment of his illness. There are times when Josh doesn’t want to look at his body, doesn’t want to see the changes his illness has made.

“You ok?” Tyler asks as they get out of the shower.

Josh has to mentally shake himself. He doesn’t need to spend any more time going down the self pity rabbit hole.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Josh says, giving Tyler a weak smile. If Tyler doesn’t believe him, he doesn’t say. 

Tyler watches as Josh applies the cream to his arms, chest and thighs. Josh can’t say he’s completely ok with being watched, but it’s not as invasive as it should feel. Tyler has always made Josh feel more comfortable, more safe, than he normally would.

“Here,” Tyler says holding out his hand, “I’ll get your back.”

Josh gives him the tube and Tyler gently applies the cream to his back and then his bum.

“That’s a nice ass,” Tyler say, catching Josh’s gaze in the mirror and giving him a wink.

“Yeah sure,” Josh scoffs.

“It is,” Tyler frowns, “I love your butt.”

Josh sighs, frustrated with himself. Tyler was flirting with him and Josh brought the mood down. He doesn’t mean to be so difficult. 

“I’m sorry, I’m just tired,” Josh says.

Just tired. Josh says that a lot. Sometimes it’s the only thing he can say when he can’t articulate what’s going on in his body and mind. It would take too long to unpack the way his body hurts but he can’t say where. How right now he’s sensitive to every smell, touch, sound, light. He’s nauseous but not nauseous enough to stop being hungry. And that even though he’s experiencing all these things, he’s got his brain on a loop going ‘it’s not that bad’. And it isn’t that bad, he’s had way worse pain and he should be able to just ignore all this minor stuff, but he can’t.

“You can sleep more when we get on the bus,” Tyler offers, kissing Josh on the shoulder. 

The fact that Tyler is being so sweet with him annoys Josh. He doesn’t deserve it.

+

Josh had worried about a lot of things being back on the bus would cause. The cramped space, the constant noise, the not so comfortable bunks. He had tried to ready himself for it all. What Josh hadn’t considered was how difficult and horrible it would be to hide his and Tyler’s relationship. There is little privacy or personal space on the bus and the bunks are small. Too small to fit two grown men, even if they had told everyone about their relationship.

The first night Josh doesn’t sleep at all. In the short time he and Tyler had been together, Josh had gotten used to cuddling at night. He’s lonely in his bunk, knowing Tyler is beneath him but untouchable. Lying awake in the dark corrodes Josh’s soul. Every upsetting thought he’s had tries to creep back in and poison his mind. He revisits old hurts. Self doubt sets up camp in his brain. The worst, though, is when he thinks of the future. Josh is looking at the path ahead of him and all he sees is pain. There is no cure for fibromyalgia. He’s stuck like this for the rest of his life. At what point will he no longer be able to push through? Josh is terrified that he’ll have to stop touring, maybe even stop playing music altogether.

Tears gather in Josh’s eyes but he holds them back. He can’t offer himself any words of comfort or hope. There is no bright side to look on. All Josh can really do is try not to think about it. 

Josh is hit with a migraine the next day and can do nothing but lie in his bunk and listen to the other people in the bus living while Josh decays. Tyler does his best to help, bringing Josh cold cloths for his eyes and trying to massage his neck but nothing helps. Josh eventually asks Tyler for some space. Josh has to try too hard when Tyler is around and he can’t relax. He tells Tyler that he just needs to sleep, because he doesn’t want to hurt Tyler. 

Josh doesn’t really know how to be taken care of. He loves that Tyler wants to, but Josh feels so much pressure when Tyler does. He feels like he’s on a timeline for getting better, like if Tyler’s care doesn’t result in improvement that Josh is failing him. Josh can feel Tyler’s desperation to help and it just makes him feel worse. Josh can’t handle both his and Tyler’s feelings while his brain bleeds out of his ears.

The analytical part of Josh knows how migraines affect emotions and that not everything he’s been feeling can be trusted. In fact it explains his odd mood the day before. Josh is not comforted by the analytical part of himself at all.

+

Touring is harder than Josh had anticipated. He isn’t sure if it was this hard last time and he’d just forgotten, or if he’s getting worse. The thought terrifies him. 

After weeks of bussing from city to city, playing night after night, sleeping poorly and never getting chance to recover, Josh is hanging on by a thread. Every day is harder than the last and Josh just feels more and more desperate.

It’s not that there are no moments of happiness. Performing is still a thrill even if the after effects are atrocious. Josh can still watch a movie and be entertained. Kind tweets from fans put a smile on his face. And then there’s Tyler. The moments with Tyler are Josh’s happiest. They steal kisses when they can. They cuddle on the couch in the bus without so much as a raised eyebrow from the other guys. Sometimes they have sex in the dressing room after a show, if Josh still has enough adrenaline to trick his body into acting normal. Tyler is writing again and he’s played bits and pieces for Josh and that is Josh’s favourite time. Tyler expressing his creativity is a thing of beauty. His laser focus is admirable, and Josh loves watching Tyler write, headphones in and the rest of the world melting away. Tyler asks for Josh’s opinion on things, certain sounds or melodies or lyrics, and the creative exchange puts little pieces of Josh’s soul back inside his body.

But every happy moment is followed by a crash. Punishment for living. Josh doesn’t entirely trust happiness anymore. It feels fake to him. It’s so transient and unsustainable that Josh would almost prefer to stay low and steady than experience the roller coaster of up and down emotions all the time.

Josh _does_ try to stay positive. And failing positivity, at least not doom and gloom. He tries to remain grateful for what he does have, rather than focus on what he doesn’t. His relationship with Tyler is his saving grace. Without Tyler’s support Josh might have given up trying. But Josh keeps pushing himself because Tyler is worth it, and Josh won’t let him down. It’s exhausting to have to try so hard all the time, and often with very little reward. But the thought of what might happen if Josh stopped trying keeps him going.

Every day Josh gets up and battles his body. Every night Josh lies down and battles his demons.


	23. Chapter 23

Playing in big cities often means multiple concerts over a series of nights to try and give as many fans a chance to see them. It also means getting to stay in a hotel, for which Josh is eternally grateful. It's hard to play so many shows in a row, but he gets to sleep in a real bed and cuddle with Tyler. There are no prying eyes to have to hide their relationship from. They get days to be together properly, to kiss whenever they want, to cuddle, to have sex.

The sex part hasn't happened yet. Josh has been too sick and even if he wanted to push past the pain and fatigue, his body just wouldn't allow it. His libido is fairly non-existent. Every night after a show Tyler is excited and affectionate and Josh is sure he's dying. Tyler is always understanding but Josh wakes up every night to find Tyler not in bed with him, but rather sitting on the couch illuminated by his laptop screen. Josh doesn't say anything, because he can see Tyler is writing, but he's starting to feel lonely. He's sure Tyler feels the same. When Tyler finally does get back into bed the sun is almost up and he wraps himself around Josh and sighs. Josh always pulls him closer and smiles when he feels Tyler goes boneless against him.

On the second last day they had planned to walk around the city a bit, see some sights, try out some restaurants. Josh is feeling particularly bad, his body on fire from overuse. He's not sure he can get out of bed, let alone spend the day walking around. Tyler is already up and dressed.

“Are you going to be able to come with?” Tyler asks.

Josh wants to say yes. He hates being cooped up, locked away. But the outside world is not kind to him. His joints ache like he's ninety years old and his head is threatening a massive headache if he makes one wrong move. Josh has started to fear leaving the safety of the bus or hotel room or, on the rare occasion he's there, his own home. Outside is bright and loud and draining. He can't walk far, can't bear the sun, can't tolerate the extra sensory information.

“Sorry, Ty, I can't,” Josh says, feeling like an open wound.

“That's ok,” Tyler says, not meeting Josh's eyes. It doesn't sound like Tyler is ok with it at all.

“I'll see you later,” Tyler says, pecking Josh on the cheek and leaving.

For a few seconds Josh feels a hundred different emotions at once. There is so much shame in his body, in his lack. Josh has become a living deficit. He's disappointed because he would have loved to go out with Tyler if his body could handle it. There's sadness and despondency and jealousy. Josh is jealous of Tyler, that he is healthy and able.

But when all the emotions settle, Josh is left with anger. Hot, burning, vicious rage. He's furious with himself, with his situation, that his body could fail so dismally that he can't handle a half day outing. And to his extreme shame, Josh is angry with Tyler. He's angry that Tyler is disappointed when he knows how much Josh struggles. He's angry that Tyler just left so casually, without an apparent thought to how Josh might feel about not being able to go out. Josh is so in need of comfort, and Tyler didn't even seem to notice.

Josh feels desperately unfair. He knows that his illness puts a strain on their relationship. That Tyler is affected by it too. Tyler is missing out on a normal relationship just as much as Josh is. And Tyler deserves to have fun, to go out and experience life.

Josh gets up and paces a bit, anger overriding his body's needs. He goes to the coffee machine in the corner of the room, needing to do something with his hands. His eyes burn and he clears his throat, tries to psuh down emotions that threaten to overwhelm him. He pours coffee into a mug, feels the warm ceramic in his hand. Tears leak from Josh's eyes and he has to put the mug down before his shaking hands drop it. Josh puts his hands on the table to steady himself. He drops his head and Josh cries.

He cries great heaving sobs, his heart breaking at all the things this illness has taken away from him. He sobs because as good as Tyler is, as supportive as he is, Josh is still in this alone. There is nothing anyone can do for him, not doctors, not Tyler, not even Josh can make this better.

Josh grieves. His former life is gone. His health is gone. He is not the same person. This illness has taken vital parts from him and he's never getting them back.

Josh cries until he goes numb, nose running and head pounding. The tears slow and he grabs s handful of tissues. He wipes his face, blows his nose. Josh goes to the bathroom and splashes water on his face, trying to erase the flush in his cheeks and soothe his bloodshot eyes.

Josh takes painkillers and drinks the coffee he poured earlier. Josh sets his alarm for a half hour before Tyler is due to get back and crawls back into bed. He sleeps in drips and drabs, not able to find a comfortable position. When his alarm goes off, Josh gets up and showers. He checks that his face looks normal in the mirror. He drinks more coffee.

When Tyler gets back, Josh smiles at him, asks him how his time out was. Listens to everything Tyler says about the city. Josh swallows down all the bitter emotions he had earlier, and is happy for Tyler, who got to see so much interesting stuff. Tyler is none the wiser and he kisses Josh happily, buoyed by his day out.

Josh pulls Tyler to the bed and they lie down together. They kiss for a long time, making up for all the moments on the bus when they couldn't. Tyler takes the lead and Josh is grateful because he doesn't have much energy to do anything but lie back. His body is slow to respond but Tyler makes him feel so good. Josh doesn't forget the pain in his head or the burn in his muscles or his stiff achy joints, but he doesn't care so much when Tyler is kissing him, running his hands all over Josh's body.

Tyler jerks them off together, taking both of them in one hand. Josh strokes his fingers through Tyler's short hair and tries to give over to the sensations. Tyler comes first, burying his face in Josh's neck and groaning deeply as his body shakes. Josh takes much longer, his pain and exhaustion warring with the pleasure of Tyler's touch. Tyler kisses Josh sweetly and gently coaxes Josh to climax. Josh squeezes his eyes shut and tries to block out the pain. He focuses on Tyler, the warmth where their bodies touch, the smell of Tyler's deodorant, his full lips on Josh's, the slick slide of saliva. Josh traces his fingers over Tyler's skin, so smooth and soft. Josh comes with a small gasp.

The pleasure of Josh's orgasm is less than the pleasure he got just from being intimate with Tyler again. His body doesn't relax, he feels very little release. He's had more satisfying sneezes. But Tyler is looking at him with love in his eyes and his smile is soft and sleepy and Josh doesn't mind.

“I'm glad you're feeling better, resting this morning clearly helped,” Tyler says, stroking Josh's face.

Josh doesn't have it in him to tell Tyler that he's not feeling better at all. Josh kisses Tyler's palm and hopes that Tyler doesn't notice that he didn't respond. This illness has made a good liar out of Josh.


	24. Chapter 24

The thing is, Josh is functioning. He gets up in the morning, he talks to people, he plays music, does everything his job requires of him. But he does all this through a miasma of pain and exhaustion. There are people who have it worse. Some can't work at all, some can't even get out of bed. In the grand scheme of things, Josh is fortunate. In fact, Josh is downright lucky because he has his dream job and he has Tyler. It's everything Josh has ever wanted.

But Josh doesn't feel very lucky. Pain dogs his every step, exhaustion is a constant weight around his neck, pulling him down. Josh goes through the motions and there are moments of fun and happiness but he pays for those moments dearly. Sometimes Josh wishes he could just go somewhere warm and soft and quiet and hibernate until he feels better. But there is very little feeling better with fibromyalgia and Josh doesn't actually want to check out of life either. If he could just have a break, for a second, a minute, and hour, where he wasn't in pain or exhausted, and he didn't have to pay later, Josh would do almost anything.

The illness is a burden that Josh takes with him everywhere. It's on stage with him when he wonders if he's going to make it to the end of the show. It's with him when he and Tyler are making out and Josh has to keep changing positions because he's too sore to stay still. It's with him on the bus when the repetitive noise of the bus wheels on asphalt makes Josh feel like he's going to burst out of his skin. It's with him when he sleep, uncomfortable in the bunk, half aware the whole night, dipping in and out of sleep. Josh never gets a break.

Josh doesn't tell Tyler about all of this. He knows Tyler worries about him and Josh doesn't want to be _Tyler's_ burden. There are certain things Josh can't hide; migraines and stiff muscles that make him walk slowly and the dark circles under his eyes. Sometimes Tyler will ask Josh how he's feeling and Josh will have a moment of openness. Josh will tell Tyler, “I feel horrible, my whole body hurts and I'm so tired.” And Tyler will say, “I'm sorry, I wish there was something I could do to help.” And Josh's voice will stick in his throat because what Josh really wants to say is how much he needs a break from this torture, how most days he doesn't know how he got through it. Josh wants to tell Tyler about every little hurt from the way his foot sometimes cramps to how the seams in his shirt leave sore marks on his sensitive skin. Josh wants to confess that he feels empty all the time, that there is a void in his soul and he feels like he's losing pieces of himself every day. Josh wants to tell Tyler about how sometimes he blacks out for a second and no one even notices and Josh has to catch himself before he falls over.

But Tyler will look at Josh with sympathetic eyes and Josh will instead say, “Thank you.” And Tyler will smile like he helped Josh and kiss his forehead.

There are days when Tyler feels down or under the weather and Josh dips into reserves he didn't know he had, to make sure that Tyler is looked after. Josh wants to take care of Tyler, he wants to give Tyler everything Tyler needs and wants. Josh makes sure Tyler eats and he plays with Tyler's hair and he listens to Tyler complain about how he feels. Josh is almost jealous of the way Tyler freely talks about how he's feeling. Josh is sure that if he started that he'd never stop. The dam inside Josh would burst and he's never be able to build it back up again because of the torrent of feelings that would escape. And then Josh feels so guilty for thinking of himself when Tyler is feeling bad. Josh never ever wants to be selfish.

+

They have a few interviews to do before the show and for most of them they get asked the same questions and give the same answers.

“I wanted to give it a name, a face, and a seat at the table,” Tyler says and Josh thinks it’s amazing that Tyler manages to not sound bored when he says that. Sometimes that sentence repeats itself in Josh’s mind and keeps him awake with the repetitiveness of it. 

The last interview is a lot more interesting, the interviewer is clearly much more familiar with their work and probably even a fan with the in depth questions she asks them. The interview is actually fun for both Josh and Tyler, and Josh makes the effort to be more engaged.

“One last question,” the interviewer says at the end, “I’ve heard you say before, Tyler, that certain songs have changed meaning for you over time, would you elaborate on that?”

“Well, uh,” Tyler says, twirling his hair as he thinks, “It’s just what time does, y’know? You have different experiences or you’re in a different place, like, emotionally and how you feel about things change.”

“But specifically?” The interviewer prompts him, “Can you tell us which songs or even lines in songs have changed for you?”

Josh knows that Tyler isn’t always comfortable explaining the meanings of songs and all he thinks about when he fields the question is saving Tyler, not what he may be exposing.

“Well for me,” Josh says, “Something that’s changed over time is our song _Holding Onto You_.”

It’s something that’s been sitting in the back of Josh’s mind for a long while, but the concept is only truly forming as he says it outloud.

“There’s a line in the first verse that goes, _‘I used to think flesh was all I got, not anymore, flesh out the door’_ and I mean, I think what Tyler was saying when he wrote it, it was about finding something _more_ than flesh, than the physical world, finding something spiritually or emotionally, something like that. But lately it’s taken on the opposite meaning for me, that I used to be able to rely on my body but now I can’t, not anymore, the one thing I had is gone,” Josh finishes what he was saying with a lump in his throat. 

There’s a beat when Tyler and the interviewer are both just looking at him.

“Wow,” the interviewer says, a little stunned, “That’s deep.”

Tyler blinks, then seems to shake himself.

“Dude, I’m surprised you know that many of the lyrics,” Tyler says, breaking the tension.

The woman wraps up the interview and thanks them profusely. Josh said more than he meant to, and he thinks that she knows it.

Once they are alone Tyler wraps his hand around Josh’s wrist.

“Josh, do you… is that how you really feel?” Tyler asks him softly.

“I mean… yeah,” Josh breathes the last word.

Tyler pulls Josh into a fierce hug, wrapping his arms tightly around Josh and Josh stops feeling like he might choke, instead feeling safe and protected.

“Everything has just been so messed up lately, Ty,” Josh says in a rush. Now that he’s given voice to his feelings Josh wants to keep spilling his guts until he’s hollow. “I’m in so much pain all the time, I can’t even describe it. Just my whole body, everywhere hurts, but then it will be worse in my head or in my joints or my muscles will feel like they’re screaming. It’s every second of every day. And I’m so tired all the time, every day I wake up more tired than when I went to sleep and it just gets worse and worse, I feel like I’m going insane. I don’t know how to do this anymore. I’m fucking drowning, Ty.”

“I’m so sorry,” Tyler whispers, rubbing Josh’s back, “I knew that this illness was bad, but I didn’t know it was so difficult for you, you’re always so together, you always seem fine. I’m so sorry I didn’t know.”

Josh feels the urge to comfort Tyler, to tell him it’s ok, that Josh is good at hiding, but Josh just doesn’t have the energy. He can’t look after Tyler’s feelings while his own are in disarray. Josh hugs Tyler tighter and hopes that Tyler understands.

“I’m so angry,” Josh says quietly, tears pricking his eyes but not falling, “I’m so angry that this has happened to me, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.”

There is so much more that Josh wants to say, but a wave of fatigue crashes over him so intense that Josh is left hanging onto Tyler and gasping for breath.

“You’re allowed to be angry, no one should have to go through this,” Tyler says.

“Thank you,”Josh whispers, feeling a tightness that’s been in his chest for weeks start to unravel. The panic that’s been simmering away in Josh has receded just enough that Josh feels like he can hang on.

Josh steps back and scrubs his hands over his face.

“You look tired, do you want to nap before the show?” Tyler asks.

“Mmm,” Josh agrees, feeling completely wrung out.

“Come on,” Tyler says, taking Josh’s hand and leading him to the dressing room. 

There’s a big couch in the corner of the room and Tyler lies down and pulls Josh with him. Josh rests his head on Tyler’s chest.

“You staying?” Josh asks, snaking his hand over Tyler’s stomach and holding him close.

“Yeah,” Tyler says, running his hand through Josh’s hair.

“Good,” Josh says, already feeling his eyes growing heavy.

Josh falls asleep soothed by Tyler playing with his hair. It’s the closest to content Josh has felt in too long.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I consider this the final chapter, and the next chapter (which I will be posting immediately) a little epilogue of sorts.

Tyler spends the next four nights locked away in the studio at the back of the bus. Josh understands that Tyler's creative process necessitates it but he can't help but worry about how little sleep Tyler's been getting. But Tyler hasn't been looking tired so much as wilful and determined. Whatever muse has a hold of Tyler is strong and relentless and Josh resists the urge to tell Tyler he needs to rest more. 

On the fifth day the bus has stopped to refuel and everyone but Tyler and Josh have gone outside to stretch their legs. Josh is lying in Tyler's bunk, trying to muster up the energy to do the same. He knows the fresh air and change of scenery will do him good, if he could only get his body to move.

“Hey,” Tyler says, kneeling down next to Josh so that they are eye level.

“Hey,” Josh responds. 

“I wanna show you something,” Tyler says, and Josh thinks he can see a tinge of apprehension in Tyler's expression. Normally Tyler won't show Josh what he's written unless he's pretty confident about it. 

“'Kay,” Josh says, finally putting in the effort to move his body. Standing up makes his knees and ankles crack in quick succession. Josh's body is stiff from lying down but loosens as he walks with Tyler to the back of the bus. 

Tyler closes the door to the little studio and motions for Josh to take a seat. Instead of sitting down at the computer like Josh expected him to, Tyler picks up his ukulele.

“Ok,” Tyler says, licking his lips nervously.

Josh waits patiently for Tyler to carry on.

“So,” Tyler says, “You know how I always say that none of the songs are about you?”

“Yeeeah?” Josh says slowly, confused about where this is heading.

“Well, this isn't about you either, not exactly,” Tyler says, adjusting his grip on the uke.

“Uh, ok,” Josh frowns.

“It's about... me, but it's not not about you, it is about you but it's about me,” Tyler explains, leaving Josh none the wiser.

“Do you wanna... just... show it to me?” Josh suggests. Tyler's nerves are contagious and they're making Josh feel antsy and wrong-footed.

“Yeah,” Tyler says.

Tyler adjusts the ukulele again and starts to play. The melody is slow and sad, the most mournful tune that Tyler has ever played on the ukulele. Josh realises he's heard some of it before, so many months ago before he and Tyler were together, before Josh knew what was wrong with him. He hadn't been able to sleep and he's heard Tyler through the hotel wall. Josh listens with his heart in his throat as Tyler closes his eyes and starts to sing.

The lyrics of the verse are soft and keening. They speak of a man helpless, viewing torture and unable to act. A loved one suffering. The frustration and sadness of it.

A tremor runs through Josh. Tyler's voice is raw and emotional and Josh wants him to stop. He doesn't want to hear how much Tyler is hurting because of him. Tyler may be using metaphors but his meaning is clear. Loving Josh is killing him. But Josh can't find his voice and Tyler keeps playing.

The chorus changes tone, becomes strong and hard. Tyler's staccato strumming comes with more powerful chords and his voice turns defiant. Tyler sings about a war waged that he cannot fight. That he must watch as this person battles monsters. Good and evil locked in an endless conflict. He sings of strength and bravery in the face of overwhelming odds.

Josh's eyes burn as it sinks in that Tyler is singing about him. Josh is the hero of Tyler's story and Tyler paints him as David fighting Goliath.

When Tyler gets to the bridge his voice cracks as he tells Josh to keep fighting, that Tyler knows how hard it is, and he'll give Josh whatever he needs. He tells Josh how strong he is.

Tyler sniffs as he strums the last chord.

“Tyler,” Josh says tearfully. 

Tyler opens his eyes and looks at Josh.

“Come here,” Josh says, rising from his seat. 

Tyler places the ukulele down and barely takes a step before Josh is engulfing him. Josh pulls Tyler in close, arms wrapped tight around him, trying not to sob like a baby. Josh's mind is going in so many directions at once he's dizzy. Knowing how much Tyler is affected by Josh's illness sends Josh into a spin. It's not that Josh didn't know but to hear Tyler put it so painfully in his own words breaks Josh's heart. But then there is also all the love that Tyler poured into the song. Understanding and admiration and support. Josh can't ignore the devotion that Tyler communicated, and it soothes that insecure voice in his head, tames the guilt a little.

“I love you,” Josh chokes out, feeling his heart swell. 

“I love you too, so much Josh,” Tyler says sounding equally as tearful and blocked up.

They haven't actually said the words in a romantic capacity before now and Josh wonders if Tyler's heart is beating as fast as his is. It's not nerves but joy. An absolutely knowledge and faith that he and Tyler are in this together, that Tyler will be there for Josh no matter what. 

Josh disentangles himself from Tyler and pulls back so he can see Tyler's face. Tyler's eyes and nose are red and he looks completely adorable as he sniffles.

“I'm not as good with words as you are,” Josh says, and Tyler starts shaking his head but Josh presses on, “But I want you to know that I'm here for you too, all in, I'll do anything to keep you safe and make you happy.”

“Fuck I love you,” Tyler says, pulling Josh in for a kiss.

Their lips are salt tinged and it's hard for both of them to breathe with their noses blocked from crying but Josh can't imagine a better kiss. It's raw and real and theirs. Tyler crowds Josh against the door, slipping his hands under Josh's shirt and grabbing his hips. Josh is glad for the support behind him because his knees go weak as Tyler sucks a kiss into his neck. Josh buries his hand in Tyler's hair.

“I wish we had a bed,” Josh groans.

Tyler looks up at Josh with a smirk, “We could always-”

“I'm not trying to have sex in a bunk,” Josh says, reading Tyler's mind.

“Why not?” Tyler asks, before scraping his teeth on Josh's shoulder, sending shivers down Josh's spine.

“Because...” Josh struggles to speak because Tyler is sliding his fingers under the waistband of Josh's pants and sucking on the spot where his neck meets his shoulder.

“Hmm?” Tyler asks, not stopping to let Josh think.

“Not enough space,” Josh hisses as Tyler slides his hand into Josh's underwear.

“We would just have to get real close,” Tyler whispers in Josh's ear.

Josh isn't fully hard yet, but Tyler starts fondling his balls and it won't be long.

“Privacy,” Josh grunts, unwilling to give up the argument even though Tyler clearly has no intention of actually moving them anywhere.

“You'd have to find a way to keep me quiet,” Tyler says, nipping Josh's earlobe,

Josh lets out a sound halfway between a laugh and a moan. Josh strokes his hands down Tyler's back and Tyler gently squeezes Josh's balls in his hand and continues kissing his neck. Josh slips his hands into the back of Tyler's pants, grabbing Tyler's ass and pulling him closer. Their bodies touch and Tyler's arm is trapped between them. Josh is hard now and he can feel that Tyler is too. Tyler slides his hand up and wraps it around Josh's cock. Josh gropes Tyler's ass, revelling in the feeling of soft skin and padded muscle.

Tyler pulls down Josh's pants and underwear to get better access and Josh follows suit. Tyler's cock brushes against Josh's leg and he takes it in his hand, loving the way Tyler strains into him. Tyler captures Josh's mouth in his and they take the time to kiss, slowly jerking each other off.

Josh brings his other hand to Tyler's balls, rolling them in his palm. Tyler's kiss grows distracted. Josh picks up the pace, enough pre-cum smoothing the way for Josh to jack Tyler off faster. Josh feels a sense of pride when Tyler's technique suffers, his hand sliding up and down Josh's dick erratically.

Tyler rests his forehead on Josh's shoulder, gasping as he rolls his hips in time with Josh's hand. Tyler's hand is still now, holding Josh's cock but not much else and Josh is more than happy to delay his pleasure for Tyler's.

Josh gets a finger behind Tyler's testicles and presses up into his perineum. Tyler lets out a shocked “Uh!” before he's coming all over Josh, hips jerking and cock twitching. Josh milks him through it, keeping his finger pressed up until Tyler is sagging against him and letting out a small whine.

Josh gathers Tyler to him and helps keep him upright while he recovers. Tyler's hand squeezes around his cock, reminding him how hard it is.

“Made a mess,” Tyler says happily, looking down where his come is gracing Josh's shirt, thighs and groin.

“Yeah,” Josh agrees. He'll have to send Tyler out for new clothes before he can leave the studio.

“My turn,” Tyler says in a rough voice.

Josh stops breathing as Tyler gathers his semen as best he can with his free hand and coats Josh's cock in it. Tyler uses both hands, one after the over, to stroke Josh. Tyler is firm and relentless and Josh puts his hands on Tyler's shoulders to steady himself. His hips jerk every time Tyler squeezes a little harder. Josh's breath comes is fast pants as he looks down between them, watching Tyler expertly jerk him off with his own come. 

Josh's orgasm hits him like a punch in the gut. Air whooshes out of him as he digs his fingers into Tyler's shoulders, throws his head back and thumps it against the door. Tyler catches Josh's come in his hand, preventing further mess. Josh hangs onto Tyler as pleasure sings through his body.

Josh relaxes against the door, utterly spent. Tyler's eyes rake over him and Josh's dick gives a valiant twitch.

“Look at you,” Tyler says, licking his lips.

“You're amazing,” Josh says back.

As they come down from their high they realise that they're on borrowed time before the guys get back on the bus. At Josh's insistence, Tyler wipes his hands on Josh's already dirtied shirt before going out to wash his hands and get Josh clean clothes.

Whatever energy Josh found is gone and he has to sit on the chair while he waits for Tyler to bring him clothes. His legs are heavy and achy and fatigue pulls at him. But his mind is on other matters. The song that Tyler wrote echoes in his head. Tyler had called him strong. It's not something that Josh has felt in a long time. His body is so weak, he experiences simple stimuli as pain. He can't go in the sun anymore because it hurts his eyes too much even with sunglasses. He gets headaches from strong smells. The seams of his clothes hurt him. 

But Josh thinks about the battle that Tyler described. Josh fights his illness every day, sometimes by pushing through when he feels like he might collapse, but also by resting, by trying to reduce the things that hurt him. He is constantly occupied with thoughts on how he can make any small difference to how he feels. Like take naps and only push through when he doesn't have a choice. He's bought softer clothes and fragrance free toiletries. He never realised how many adjustments he already made because he was seeing how much of those adjustments meant a loss. And Josh has lost. His life is forever changed. But Tyler is right, he hasn't given up either.

Tyler returns with Josh's clothes and Josh fumbles as he undresses. 

“Let me help,” Tyler says, pulling Josh's shirt from where it's tangled in his arms.

Tyler hands Josh the clean shirt he brought and Josh instantly recognises it as Tyler's. It's an old t-shirt that's been washed so many times the fabric is as soft as butter and almost see-through. Josh smiles, not just at Tyler's thoughtfulness, but also because he knows how much Tyler likes seeing Josh wearing his clothes. Tyler has a small possessive streak that Josh is only just getting to know fully. 

“I couldn't find one of yours,” Tyler says, not even trying to make the lie sound convincing.

“You just want people to know I'm yours,” Josh quirks an eyebrow at Tyler.

“Yeah, I do,” Tyler says, stroking his hand down Josh's chest, the thin fabric of Tyler's old shirt barely a barrier.

“Would you be ok if we put that song on the new album?” Tyler asks, “I know it's really personal, but it means a lot to me.”

Josh takes a second to think about it. It's more exposing than Josh would ever normally consider ok. But Tyler makes Josh feel like being vulnerable might be alright. Josh hold's Tyler's hand against his heart.

“Yeah, Ty, it's a beautiful song, people deserve to hear it.”


	26. Chapter 26

They have a night to stay in a hotel and Josh had been looking forward to sleeping in a proper bed. Except he can't sleep because he keeps needing to pee. Every time he's drifting off to sleep his bladder makes itself known. He starts to worry that he'll be dehydrated by the time the night is through. He's disturbing Tyler's sleep too with his constant up and downing. It's frustrating, Josh can't find a comfortable position because his bladder feels so full. In the early hours of the morning Josh manages to sleep for a couple of hours and he wakes up groggy and miserable.

They eat a cooked breakfast from room service but the eggs taste funny to Josh and the bacon is just salt and nothing else to him.

“How is your breakfast?” Josh asks Tyler.

“'S good,” Tyler says through a mouthful of food.

“Mine is horrible,” Josh says grumpily. 

Tyler frowns and steals a piece of egg from Josh's plate.

“Tastes good to me,” Tyler says after he's eaten it.

“Really?” Josh asks, “It just tastes... funky to me.”

“Yeah, it's the same as mine,” Tyler says.

Sudden realisation dawns on Josh.

“Oh,” he says, “I think I'm getting a migraine.”

It would explain the excess peeing too. 

“Ah damn,” Tyler says, “Maybe just take the day easy? Try and get some more sleep?”

Josh hums in agreement. He gets up and goes to the minibar. He grabs a coke and a packet of salted chips. There's something about the combination of salt, sugar and caffeine that helps reduce the intensity of a migraine. He eats them at the table, pushing his abandoned breakfast towards Tyler who happily finishes it. When Josh is finished his chips and drink he takes some painkillers prophylacticly. 

“You gonna lie down?” Tyler asks.

“Yeah,” Josh says. He can already feel that fuzzy feeling the comes before the pain hits.

“Can I run your neck before you do?” Tyler asks.

“That would be great, actually,” Josh says.

They've found out together that there are certain pressure points at the base of Josh's skull and where his neck and shoulders meet that help with headaches. It won't stop the migraine but it might help take the edge off the pain.

Tyler stands behind Josh and starts rubbing his fingers gently up and down Josh's neck. When the muscles start to ease a little Tyler digs his thumbs up into the base of Josh's skull. It hurts, but it is such a good hurt that Josh has to stop himself from moaning. Pressure isnJosh's sinuses ease and he feels like he can breathe more easily, see more easily. Tyler moves down to the bottom of Josh's neck and presses the pressure points there. Though not as satisfying as the ones at the base of his skull, Josh can feel his shoulders starting to relax.

“You ready to lie down?” Tyler asks. Josh nods. He is beginning to feel sleepy.

Tyler tucks Josh in after he climbs into bed, making sure the covers aren't loose around his feet. He kisses Josh's forehead.

“Sleep well, babe,” Tyler says quietly. 

Pain is starting to radiate through Josh's temples but it's not as intense as it could be. Josh finds himself drifting off to sleep.

“Love you,” Josh mumbles.

Tyler saying, “Love you too,” is the last thing Josh is aware of before sleep takes him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read, left kudos and commented. Thank you for sticking with me to the end.
> 
> I am going to write a sequel. There were plenty of scenes I wanted to write that just didn't quite fit with how the story was evolving. I hope you'll want to read that too.


End file.
